Lodestone

I wrap myself in a simple garment of cotton
One that holds in its threads the essence of you
Slipping in and out of my self and my soul
Catching stitches of the past and the present
Gently pulling my heart-strings closer together

Weaving what I once was into who I am now
Tiny healing stitches of you and me
What I am and who you see
Carried in each inhalation
Something both electrifying and benediction

Talisman or lodestone, I can’t be sure
Knowing only that mornings of late
I come awake more fully who I am
More completely my own woman
Wrapped in the scent of a man

~ kei
26 November 2016

Pain For Gain

Trying to write the piece I mentioned last week is harder than I thought.

There have been many days, weeks, months that I never think of Peter or what those two and some years with him were. Unfortunately, writing something hopeful and perhaps even inspiring for people involved with Narcissists or just beginning the process of leaving means that I have to go back and visit that time.

Those panicky, terrified feelings creep back as I remember and there was so much… the mind boggles at the hugeness of the deception. I still can’t fathom it – the why of it.

It didn’t die with him either. I can only hope that those who read the book when it’s out, will find some comfort in knowing they aren’t alone. That’s the worst of it. Feeling alone, barely understanding what’s happened and being judged by others who know nothing about narcissists, sociopaths or pathological liars.

I hope this disruption in my well-being will be worthwhile. That what I have achieved helps someone to break free and move on. Knowing it won’t be easy, knowing there’ll be extremely difficult times but being assured that it’s worth it.

One’s self-esteem, value as a human being and right to live free of this abuse is worth every bit of the struggle.

~ kei
26 November 2015

I Shouldn’t Give A Shit

… but I do

Maybe because I’m a First born, we are known for our innate need for Justice, for fairness, for “Even Stephens”. Or maybe it’s because I’m a Dual Capricorn. It could be my Legal background or because I’m a Mum. At any rate, recovery from an abusive situation hasn’t lessened my ability to read the signs.

I’ll call it for being descended from Cerridwen and Tailesin, for being a daughter of Glooscap. Certainly, it doesn’t take degrees or Mensa to read a shift in the wind or more aptly, a Klimt on acid-like arrangement of binary code.

Are you with me?

Hell. Even I have trouble keeping up to my ADD / OCD thoughts once they’ve been stirred in that old and horrifyingly familiar way. He used to have me up at all hours of the night – his favourite torture – doing Internet recon missions for his real paranoia and his self-constructed “evidence”.

I feel like that right now.

Watching the same old patterns. The same old everything, regardless to who I am or what I do. The patterns repeat because people don’t change, especially those with something to hide or something to lose.

Slander is a prosecutable offence.

Sometimes I wish I was an American with that penchant for suing. It’s not like I don’t have enough evidence. I simply don’t have the cycles to sue people who are pathetic. They have to live in their skin. That’s punishment enough.

I content myself with the knowledge that Police files and my friends and family, those who were there, who saw, heard, interfaced with… and eventually saved my life; know the truth. It does hurt at times though, especially when another cycle of this all-too-visible bullying begins.

I will never understand how people can spend hours, days, weeks – talking to people, talking to experts, reading – about how to buy a fucking cellphone but when it comes to something as important as the character and reputation of another human being…

All it takes is one slanderous voice – one sad, pathetic voice – whispering complete and utter lies and you won’t raise one fucking question (start with “Who the hell would do that??!”) or one fucking finger to check the source.

Still with me? Probably not. Whatever. Half this shit never gets read anyway.

I’m sick of slander, I’m sick of lies. I’m sick of two-faced friends, I’m sick of it all. Like I said, you don’t need to be a psychic to read patterns of behaviour. So if all it takes for you to walk away from me, is the equivalent of one GT Boutique flyer’s worth of info to my Library of Alexandria’s worth… than by all means, please fuck the hell off and go hang out with the other God-spouting, deluded, morons.

I’m done.

~ kei
16 September 2015

Sleepless

two AM thoughts, rapidly sliding into three AM thoughts

hello darkness my old friend

world without end

amen

been a long time since this has happened

been a long time since rock ‘n roll

actually, i meant to say

hello laptop my old friend

haven, hell, at this hour

i can’t tell

my thoughts linger here

right here at the crest of your hipbone

where my lips want to be

sultry summer heat won’t let go

that’s okay

i’ll swim around in this ocean

never hurts to know your mind’s currents

and undertow

~ kei
7 September 2015

You Want To Get Caught

Insomnia, sort of but mostly a manic phase of ADD
My brain is in full on squirrel monkey mode
Two AM thoughts have me up and typing at the Witching Hour
I remember having to explain this term to P, he’d not heard it before
Ironic, as most of my street smarts about the Information Highway were lessons he taught
Funny too that I’m awake due to the asshats driving by… just another spring time, post studies, pre exam, suburban Friday night. I guess it’s something that these are 3D asshats
Roads, highways, crossroads and forks
I’m older than dirt (older than 31/4’s, older than DOS, older than MacIntosh) in Internet years. The short story is, I grew up with it and have never been without a computer. I like to think I’m pretty savvy… I grew up with Northern Telecom HQ in my backyard, I worked for Mitel, Newbridge and iSTAT. I thought I knew some some. That’s always the downfall, right?
We think we know about this because we know that
So, the thing is, I’ve had some horrific experiences on the Internet and if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone
If you’re putting it on the Internet, you want to get caught or you want someone else to find it. No, not quite the same thing
You think a carbon footprint is hard to minimize? When solid actions hit bandwidth they become dust in the wind and can’t ever be erased or hidden. Ever. Everything leaves a trail
I don’t know why I care about a perfect stranger… I can’t even say what not to do because it sounds preachy and judgemental but I can say why not to
If it’s on the Internet, it can be found. Someone will look for it, or stumble over it, even if it’s been deleted, even if the most elaborate schemes have been concocted to hide it. It might be manufactured – mostly what happened to me – or it might be your own choice but that shit is out there forever. In the context of a loving relationship, I’ve done same… and when the relationship ended… Not the same as those who “just play” or are having an affair but the result was the same

So if you really don’t want your husband / boyfriend / wife / girlfriend to know… don’t post those pictures, videos, whatever. It’s bloody sad that it’s not just teenagers who are the only idiots about this… I mean those “adults” who do this deliberately… yeah, yeah, thrilling and all that shit but what happens when the breakup comes, you forget to log off, she doesn’t like being dumped, he takes an interest in your Pinterest
Or maybe it happens like with me… He forgot that he gave me all his logins, to all his blogs, his Facebook, I ran both our FB pages at different times, had his banking info… on and on… Maybe think about that before you send a message or photo to someone
Gah!! My retinas!!
Funny how our choices and actions can be in direct opposite to what we say we want
You said you don’t want him to know, that you love him – your words. Then stop posting the pictures, the videos and all the other shit you’re doing. Your actions say you want to get caught. The result will be you’ll lose him. Have the balls to end it and let him keep his dignity or stop doing what you’re doing. I do care and am worried for you
It’s that simple
Not preachin’, just sleepless as the anniversary and the other anniversary are just hours away now and all that dust in the wind that he, me and the others kicked up, swirls all around my thoughts… and can still be found in virtual corners

~ kei
23 May 2015

NotPoWriMo

Oh hell no
Can’t NaPoWriMo

Shot the wad

Proverbial anyway

In April 2014

Profuse poetry

Flowed so easily

This year

It would seem

Arid ardour

A heart barren

Are conspiring

My pen confining

To this

Say with me
Two words
And then three

Ponderous, pretentious poetry

Oh hell no
Can’t NaPoWriMo…

~ kei
5 April 2015

Stuck In A Moment

Caught in the middle when I should be at the end
all I’ve got is this grey area, the in between the lines
This passionate push of passive aggressive pen

My life’s been marked pending
in a lineup never-ending
you catching the vibe that I’m sending?
this fire in me needs loving and tending

Cant we just talk to each other
no agenda, bullshit free
no preconceptions
no misconceptions
you said I had predilections
best enlighten me

I thought that was just loving
Thought it was just us, you see?
Who made this a game, changed up all the rules
and didn’t tell me

I’ll play if you want
Give me time to catch up
I’ll harden my heart
I’ll learn how to bluff

Who am I kidding
I won’t
I can’t
If I gotta do this to be on your radar
Then colour me incognito

Put me in the long ago lovers’ witness protection
Don’t even look in my direction
All I have here for you is me
I’m not changing how I be

Not even for you…

~ kei
February 2014

Fever Dreams

~ Drifting in and out of dreams. Surrounded by a pleasant haze produced from fever, flu medications and steaming oolong tea ~ I’ve had a severe flu for three days now. Words, ideas, images come and go too quickly for my pen. Slightly better today. Awake; at least for now ~

Why hurt the heart of another in the guise of protecting your own? At least, I think that’s what it is.

“Most souls labor under a self imposed curse of desiring but never truly giving themselves over to love.”
~ Michael Xavier

~~~~~

“Now I know what a ghost is. Unfinished business, that’s what.”
~ Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

I’m haunted by the ghost of a man that never was. The business between us goes on and on…

“In one aspect, yes, I believe in ghosts, but we create them. We haunt ourselves.”
~ Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

When I’m this sick, I look like one of those big-eyed girl dolls. Bradley doll? All eyes and oddly pale, smooth skin. With laugh lines. Ha! The irony. I watch my face morph back and forth between its used-to-be-girl and its can-grandma-be-far-off variations.

Audiobooks are the library faeries gift to the formerly voracious and now overwhelmed by life reader.

“Every sickness has an alien quality, a feeling of invasion and loss of control that is evident in the language we use about it.”
~ Siri Hustvedt, The Shaking Woman, or A History of My Nerves

Alien and weird… I talk to myself anyway but when I’m this sick, my voice is about five years old. Doesn’t want soup, doesn’t want crackers, doesn’t want boogers. Most definitely wants Mummy and teddy. I feel both relieved and utterly ridiculous that my panda teddy is still sitting on the guest bed, post unpacking. I get up very sheepishly but totally psyched out by thoughts that you’re there and retrieve him to sleep with me at around three AM. What terrifies me – well, I was only terrified in the wee hours and because I’ve watched 23 hours of cheesy horror movies – is that I’m not really mad at you anymore and that the thought of you near, changed – cleansed, purified, remorseful and loving as you said you were – is in fact, something of a comfort. When I’m not still mad.

Ghost Writer M Xavier

Is it wrong to have consumed only a litre of eggnog and the remainder of the Hershey Chocolate bells in the last couple days?

Reading, reading, napping, reading.

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
~ Albert Camus

I’ve become far too introverted, suspicious and fond of my own space – anyone would after what I went through – to give a flying fuck if I stay here alone for the rest of my life.

Mostly…

Bwa-hahahaha! I think that might even be a thing after my mention about teddy.

People who lean on logic and philosophy and rational exposition end by starving the best part of the mind.
~ William Butler Yeats

I can barely move but I’m now out of cold meds… so, maybe sometimes it would be nice to have someone here. To make more tea, lots more.

I hate that flu makes me feel weak and that it took like, four hours to write a few incoherent sentences but… I like that my thoughts can slip the leash once in a while too.

~ kei
29 December 2014

Rebellion Spellering M Xavier

Yup. Can’t say I’m not all that and a pinch of angst…

Hunted, Hurt, Haunted

Hunted
Just prey
In his sights
Lured with his words
Loved only as a pawn
His long distance trophy
An unwilling captive
Soul maimed
Caught

Hurt
My heart
Ripped to shreds
The gift reverently given
In hands filthy with his
Keystrokes to his whores
Lies of magnitude
The Devil
Envies

Haunted
Despised revenant
Creeping and crawling
Disturbing my midnight dreams
Smiling his protestations of love
Staining newborn clean thoughts
With his memory
This lingering
Ghost

~ kei
7 October 2014