Disconnected in December

Is it just me?

I’m feeling a little displaced… like I woke up in the wrong decade
Forget that it’s been a shite year… not just for me but for the world

I love this season. I am grateful but… I feel so… untethered
I miss my family… we’ve become the Four Solitudes

Boxes of ornaments are shelved like reliquaries
No point getting them out… we’re locked down again

I’m listening to carols and daydreaming about Christmas Past
Lying under my parent’s tree, holding hands with a brown-eyed boy

That moment of perfection is caught in the corner of my own eye
Blurring the edges of this unkempt living room… it’s all good

My view has softened from the harsh reality of a Covid Christmas
To a Christmas long ago when the world really was magic. the possibilities were endless and alone was unthinkable, unimaginable in that perfect moment.

Slipping out of view, slipping down my cheek…

~ kei
22 December 2020

Insomnia

Odd, given all that goes on in my life, I rarely suffer with insomnia.
Tonight is one of those rare nights.

For whatever bizarre reason, I can not get this out of my head.
It’s that; indifference is like a murder weapon when used against an Empath…
It’s not as though I spend waking thoughts on this… but once in a while… tonight… my brain is wracked with questions that just shouldn’t matter.

Who cares? Let it go. Did I do something wrong? Am I that forgettable? Did I, do I hold you, us, that time with all it’s raging passion – in all things in some weird, undeserved esteem? Was it wrong, bad, dumb, utterly misguided to believe it should have evolved?
The questions that I know intellectually just should not matter, gain some sort of supernatural power at night… my brain won’t shut down. No amount of rational thinking, Zen techniques, calming mantras works…

This indifference cuts so deep into my soul, freezing and shattering my memories, my self-worth, my perception of place in my own life story… I want it to stop. It makes me angry that someone who can make me nothing in their mind has this much power over my subconscious… enough to have me awake in the Witching Hour banging out these hopeless, hurt and profoundly foreign thoughts.

Your indifference challenges everything I think and believe about me; about my intelligence, humour, wit, warmth. In this moment, I feel like they are nothing, that the striving meant nothing because there was a goal, to be something that you would value as part of your life. That the breaking apart would be a time to learn and then grow back together in a place of balance, not a place where I felt like less. Yet, here I am… feeling just that. I don’t know how to deal with this thought process that won’t just stop. I don’t want to waste another moment on a lost cause. Something in my head though, wants so badly to know why and something in my heart dies a little every time I realize that you just don’t care.

It may be the ugliest, loneliest realization that I’ve ever known…

~ keib, 4:07am, 11 December 2020

Why So Wordi-less???

Because… kitty!

Murrr???

After losing Mysty several years ago, I didn’t think I’d have another pet but a chance posting caught my eye and I couldn’t stop thinking about this pretty girl’s story. She’s moved in, getting more comfortable everyday and has me talking “baby talk” pretty much 24-7. It’s eccentrically adorable but not conducive at all to poetry writing!

So, all of the things – family, home, Mr. Man and work are pretty much the same. If y’all are writing, grand and if you too are finding more to do on the 3D side of your screen, grander! If you’ve emailed, I never check it; you can reach me via comments or my real email. Take care All!

~ kei
11 March 2017

This is my baby’s story. I’m so happy she found me!

Everyone deserves a chance ❤

Happy New Year 2017!

By now, most of you know how I feel about New Year’s hoopla, resolutions and schmaltz.
~ 2014 and 2015 editions ~

Overall 2016 wasn’t bad, other than the loss of so many wonderful, talented people and many of them still so young. In my own little corner, I spent far less time on the Interwebs, focussing on my expanded family and home, reconnecting with special people (yes, this is for you Rew!), my extended family and working out as much of the residual ‘stuff’ of previous years as possible. Let it never be said that I have baggage – I may have a carry on but I prefer to think of it as a tool kit of experience.

As to resolutions, again this year I won’t. You don’t have to either. Do your best throughout the year, it’s all we can ask of ourselves and each other. Life has enough challenges for us without our feeling obligated to (potentially) overextend.

From my family to yours, much love, and sending you all a wish for health, happiness and prosperity in the coming year.

~ kei
1 January 2017

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Poetry From The Vault

For a year or two before I joined WordPress I wrote privately and on a couple Facebook poetry pages. One page – The Eclectic Poet – is still there, suffering the same neglect that WordPress does but once in a blue… the algorithms that be will cast up a “Your Memories On Facebook” post that isn’t just a photo but one of those long ago snapshots in words.

This piece is titled “Blue” and is one of my stream-of-thought or two-AM-thoughts style pieces. It was written on 17 October 2011 and never shared publicly. I rather like it.

Cut and paste from Facebook, this is “Blue”.

Blue

17 October 2011 at 13:03

 

Everybody wants a piece but only on their terms

I feel so… stretched

Pulled thin and transparent

I have enough for everyone if they aren’t greedy

My heart needs…  replenishing

Pumped out and labouring

Brown eyes like amber

Tell me all your heart’s secrets

Such treasures preserved

Mahogany, amber, teak, chocolate

Leather, chamois, silk, velvet

blood, wine, cigarettes, coffee

Beautiful…

I can’t get you out of my head. Not normally a bad thing. Very, very frustrating today.

When I close my eyes I can see you. Worse. Sometimes I can feel you.

I can hardly stand to be in my own skin. It’s like I have a fever. On fire, shaking.

I want you here… You are what I need to replenish… Fill me up with you.

Such a tangled web we’ve woven

Your benign indifference leaves me frozen

Snap you fingers, demand my fire

This bed feels like a funeral pyre

If you don’t love me, leave me be

You can’t pick & choose the parts of me

 

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 ~~~~~

~ kei
17 October 2016

Save Mooney’s Bay ~ They Paved Paradise…

To put up a pooping moose!

Who in their right mind would see this and the other nine structures to go into the stated 1 acre space a suitable tribute to 150 years of Canadian nation building?!

Sing along with me people: Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone…

#canada150, #giver150, #letsgiver, #ottawacity, #onpoli, #tvokids, @SinkingShipEnt,@ottawacitizen, @ctvottawa, @ottnews, @kateportercbc, @ottawasuncom, @cfraottawa, cbcottawa