Mermaid’s Dreams

Dreams have finally returned to me…

We met again last night
You slipped quietly into mind’s view
A shadowed goodness, a friendly idea
I’m surprised to see you here

Subconscious is a capricious destination
Images confounding, conflicting
Sometimes horrific, sometimes healing
Would I could hold the words they conjure

Capricorn and Cancer
In the early days
I joked that
Together we made mud

I am a fearsome Dual Cap
Born on a cusp
Just like a wave
A fey and fluid mermaid
Unmindful of the tempest
Fearless and surefooted
At the heights

You almost impenetrable
Gruff, Guarded
Until the shell cracked
And the pearl revealed
In truth you were
My faithful shore
A place of safety
Where I could throw
The storm-tossed waves of me
Onto your sturdy beach

Stability, my island
Is what you were to me
And it seems in these
Golden years that should
Be together but are not
You still feel like shelter to me

The final shriek and howl
Red skies at morning
Left me dashed, broken, bashed
In an unknown place
You scattered with detritus
Of a ship run aground
A spiteful hurricane
Spun our world’s axis
Like a child’s top
The Coriolis effect
Recharted our lives

In dreams, the world is set to rights. Different but calm, zephyr winds and blue skies…

The ocean rhythm that
Pulses still in my veins
Is irrevocably drawn back
Calmer now but like the tide
Under the moon’s guidance
Drawn back to a less craggy
Weathered and yet enduring place

In dreams you are still the steady and everlasting shore
I feel your calming presence though we are no more
Ever my siren heart’s cove you are it seems
Respite from all these storms if only in dreams

~ kei
18 July 2015

For Richard. Who I never wrote for because we were busy living the words.

Sad Mermaid

Just Another Day

Sometimes the things I feel most deeply are the hardest to capture in the form and structure of words…

My recurring thought leading up to today is that once it meant everything to me, to us and is now reduced to a box on a calendar. There are days still when your absence causes an ache  just like the pain of a phantom limb.

I used to scoff when I’d read or hear that the reason for a breakup or divorce was “He / She changed”. People don’t change, I thought. I was so young and could afford a lot of black and white opinions. The truth is; we do. We grow and that itself is change. We are tested and tempered. Family, money, health, children… We say that we’ll stand by each other through that but can’t ever know just how hard it can be. We emerge from each year a revision of ourselves. Sometimes, we just become more completely what we are.

I’m okay many days in a row now but… I will always miss how you made me feel like it was you and me against the world and I am glad we are still friends of a sort. In this sentimental moment, on  a day that should have been a wedding anniversary…

I just wanted you to know that I will always hold you in the small of my heart.

~ kei
25 May 2015

Petites Pensées ~ Strengths

What I find is that as I’m getting reacquainted with me, is that he is a large part of the definition of myself.

I spent more than half my life with him

The “Elf Dance” is as much a part of my DNA as “Boogers for sale” and for better or for worse…

He defines much of the things that I like best about me.

That is the legacy of love.

~ kei

13 October 2014

I Really Loved That Stove…

It’s the little things I realize, as I look at the shiny, angry burn on my right knuckle.

I’ll never put a pan of cookies into this oven again. The oven I coveted so much, with its sleek white exterior and high tech, one touch buttons.
(They don’t work anymore)

And I think to myself how disposable appliances have become.
(Like lighters and goldfish… and people)

I stand in something of a daze of thoughts, pushing the timer buttons for an increment of a half hour. Pushing again because it comes up as “three, nine, nine, nine”. The timer has decided to dispense with zero for months now.
(Like we have dispensed of each other)

These are the times that I seem to cry the most. Each time another tiny piece of me shakes free and shatters on the ground.

In honesty, I cry all the time now. I had no idea that I had this many tears. My second child almost died at birth and I don’t remember crying then, not like this… I only remember frozen, creeping dread and numbness.

Now though, I cry so much I am afraid I’ll never stop. And I am beginning to feel a little desiccated. I guess its inevitable… all that flowing water leaves me feeling like a desert. My eyes have become sunken, my cheeks too. I pass a mirror and see Cleopatra’s mummy… all dark hair and big, staring eyes.

The tethers of my old life are snapping like high-voltage guy wires in a tornado.
The cobwebs of my new life are as yet so tenuous and fragile.

And when I let the tears take me for a ride, let insecurity and doubt have the wheel for a while, the thoughts that keep revolving like tires on endless miles of blacktop are:

What am I doing?
What have I done?

~ kei
27 August 2012