Reentry

I’m caught off guard by how much it hurts

I launched myself as far away as I could
Found a different orbit round a frosty planet
It’s suited me to feel all emotion fade
All feeling recede and curl into itself
Hibernating in the winter of my losses
Frozen into blissfully empty dreams

Lately though, a sound has been coming through
Static on the wires, sparking synapses to fire
I’m surprised to notice my heart still beats
Blood thaws, the fire in my belly leaps to life
Like pins and needles of the soul is this flow
It burns, sears itself through every nerve and fibre

Myself wakes shivering, ears tuned to the signal
A sound, a vibration that melds to my own pulse
Calling me, calling to the depths of my core
A howl that I must rouse to answer
“The winter of your soul is over now”
Polaris Exile, it’s time for reentry

~ kei
10 June 2015

Stardust woman

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Still Burning Bright

I have had to relearn trust in my instincts

There was trepidation in breaking it off

Was that niggle in my brain just residual fear?

Let’s face it

I’m pretty canny, quick wits, quick feet and can scent a predator but

I got took down by the King of Big Game Hunters on the Internet Serengeti

Not this time though

Validation comes from the strangest places
I find the truth of my life in strangers’ faces

Too bad that other’s can’t yet see
But that one revelation is enough for me

Sniffed you out like Tanqueray
Now I’m The One That Got Away

I may be twice shy but I’m not twice bitten
You messed around with the wrong Kitten

~ kei
6 December 2014

Tiger Woman black white

Tyger, tyger…

 

What Matters

As I become more fully grounded in the garden of my new life

The focus on roots has become so much more important

Words and wings, Dreams and things

Lovely as they are

Like wishing on a star

Do not feed my soul

Nor do they make me whole

My hands in metaphorical dirt, moulding this clay

Growing towards the light

Dancing in the rain

Tending to the garden of my heart

~ kei
24 June 2014

Gaslighter ~ Acrostic IV

NaPoWriMo Blog Button

 

 

 

Gaslighter

Greasepaint of a different hue
All about him and not about you
Slip into character ready or not
Living all the twists in his devious plot
Into his self-aggrandizing script you’ll be written
Gasping as his rewrites leave your head spinning
Has he made you the star of this little show
There are more special effects than you could know
Extras on his casting couch abound
Replacing you in an instant for his next go round

~ kei
5 April 2014

Paula Alquist Anton: If I were not mad, I could have helped you. Whatever you had done, I could have pitied and protected you. But because I am mad, I hate you. Because I am mad, I have betrayed you. And because I'm mad, I'm rejoicing in my heart, without a shred of pity, without a shred of regret, watching you go with glory in my heart!

The term “Gaslighting” stems from the use of them as a weapon in this old MGM classic film noir.

Definition of Acrostic form sourced from: Shadow Poetry:

“Acrostic Poetry is where the first letter of each line spells a word, usually using the same words as in the title.”

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NPD is a very real personality disorder. It isn’t “just” vanity, big ego or benign delusions that can be fixed by a partner or spouse. It is highly destructive and cannot be changed, regardless of anything you do. I was not aware of the difference, in fact, had no idea that NPD existed. Discovering this, putting a name to it, having a frame of reference for the actions and most importantly, knowing that NPD has a predatory aspect, has turned on a light in my life.
This blog has a wealth of information and resources: Let Me Reach on WordPress
Please visit, read and educate yourself, particularly if you are a woman who is wondering every day “Is it me? What am I doing wrong? How can I change to be better for him?” Read and discuss for our son’s and daughters’ sake. This information isn’t widely known and it must be shared.
These people are out there. They walk and talk just like us, on the surface and they may present in a very pretty package but they are not what they seem. Learn the signs and markers.

*Duly noted that there are male and female Narcissists. I am writing about my experience, not in generalities.*

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NaPoWriMo

National Poetry Writing Month

See more at the link above.

No Really, It’s You

“Baby, you’re the only one who understands me.” “Baby, I feel safe with you.” “Baby, I’ve never loved another woman like I love you.” “Baby, I could never replace you so quickly, I don’t work that way.”

Two of the most educational and empowering posts that I read on Let Me Reach are: Several Shades Of Smeared and How You Became The Other Woman. They both enlightened me to a recognizable behavioural pattern and have given me a little insight onto the patterns of others in the relationship dynamic with the Narcissist. Two things kept on – and and on bad nights still do – droning like bees in my brain: How can a Narcissist so easily discard someone that they claim they can’t function without. More importantly, why is there a seemingly endless line of women eager to step into your not even vacated place? My theory is it’s because they play the intrinsic strengths and weaknesses of women against one another.

Several Shades of Smeared had me revisiting a question that I was constantly asking myself. Why, when my Narc is clearly here, happy and attached to me are there women constantly throwing themselves at his feet? It seemed odd to me that these women would completely ignore my existence or treat me with disdain, while flaunting and flirting right in front of me. I’ve always had a theory that there really is no “Sisterhood”. Certainly, it flies out the window the moment that there are stay-at-home Mums and working Mums in a room together. What I didn’t know, is that a Narc will deliberately demean you to others behind your back, even while telling you that you’re his world. They will fabricate a story that paints you as an adversary and a lunatic to these women. It serves to isolate you and plays to the nurturer that many of us are. It also makes the flirting and flaunting that the Narc is doing, look somewhat more legitimate in the eyes of the ever-changing circle of people that surrounds them. Their new admirers are now special, part of the magic circle, confidantes. The cycle begins again, the new conquest is lined up.

How You Became The Other Woman, dovetailed to the above perfectly. And really? Who wouldn’t want to be the chosen of someone who on the surface, is good-looking, multi-talented and successful? Especially if you’re helping him escape or get over the “Crazy Bitch” that he is currently with. After all, he’s told you that she’s jealous, controlling, doesn’t love him.

There is always a female waiting and wanting to be “The One” for this beautiful, misunderstood creature. We’re helpers. We’re nurturers. Confidences about the crazy girlfriend or wife, turn into watching her for him, protecting him. Bonds and intimicies begin to form. You see how that works for the Narc?
Meanwhile, the partner’s at home, turning herself and her world inside out to be everything that she’s expected to be by him. Still wearing her hair how he likes it, still feathering their nest and wondering what the hell is happening.

In the internet world, Narcs have a huge new playground. They can be anything they want and it’s much more difficult to actually see the traits. All the more reason to be cautious and informed when a stranger confides in you. All the more reason to not make judgements about someone you’ve never spoken with. Surely, if you can give credence to the tales of woe of one stranger, you can at least ask the question of another?

Sit with that for a moment.

This isn’t High School Confidential. It’s not the better woman winning the prize. It’s enabling a predator by default, if one chooses to deliberately ignore or avoid the other side of a story.

~ kei

23 February 2014

~~~~~~~~~~

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NPD is a very real personality disorder. It isn’t “just” vanity, big ego or benign delusions that can be fixed by a partner or spouse. It is highly destructive and cannot be changed, regardless of anything you do. I was not aware of the difference, in fact, had no idea that NPD existed. Discovering this, putting a name to it, having a frame of reference for the actions and most importantly, knowing that NPD has a predatory aspect, has turned on a light in my life.
This blog has a wealth of information and resources: Let Me Reach on WordPress
Please visit, read and educate yourself, particularly if you are a woman who is wondering every day “Is it me? What am I doing wrong? How can I change to be better for him?” Read and discuss for our daughters’ sake. This information isn’t widely known and it must be shared.
These people are out there. They walk and talk just like us, on the surface and they may present in a very pretty package but they are not what they seem. Learn the signs and markers.

**Duly noted that there are both males and females with NPD – I’m relaying my thoughts, opinions and experience not someone else’**