Words, Feathers, Rabbis and Letters

I saw and read several posts about words yesterday. I’d ventured into my Reader for the first time in months – unfortunately, just being on the Internet and WordPress in particular can still trigger me; PTSD is a lingering effect of the NPD that I was subjected to. I figure it’s better to avoid it until I feel strong and not to be a hypocrite, peering through one eye, grimacing as I hurriedly scroll through clicking an arms length “like” willy nilly to satisfy my perception that people won’t like me / will think I’m snooty, blah blah; if I don’t come by regularly. That said, I sometimes still do EXACTLY that.

Words, writing, poetry… are on my mind a lot these days and kept me up most the night last night. Yesterday was a consult for the rejigging of the cover art for my new book. The backstory behind that can be funny, sordid, embarrassing and sad by turns. I’m reclaiming this bit of myself so that at least the story – the words – that go with it will be framed in a way I can live with. A way that reflects the truth and I will tell the story  here when the release date comes up, even the embarrassing bits!

So it is that words are heavy on my mind.

Most of you who visit know a little about me. None of you know all of me. I try to give a picture of myself through my words. In the early days of this blog, I eschewed the use of graphics because I wanted people to read my words – my words – not the feeling that someone else’s art conveyed.

I like to think I’m articulate and can communicate clearly in conversation, poetry even in the technical documents that I’ve written. If you asked people on the 3D side of the screen here, they’d likely tell you I’m a bit of a whiz with words – thanks Mum and Dad!

I really hate that somewhere along the line, my words have got lost. I feel as though I’ve become nothing more than a side door peep show in the circus of the Internet and I hate even more that I can attribute that feeling to someone else’s words. I know that gossip is a hot commodity and I know that WordPress is as much a popularity contest as two-year olds in tiaras but… I never dreamed it would taint my life and my words the way that it has.

Like any writer, I like to see people come and read, I thrive on it in fact. Humans need validation and kind words and comments tell me that I’ve said something that people can connect to. I look at my stats, I know you do too (don’t say you don’t!) and I find it horribly disheartening to see they frequently have bloomed in direct relation to words about me. Intellectually, I understand that when a person plants seeds of doubt or outright lies about you in a public space, there will be a lot of negative attention generated. I know for a fact by stats and investigations that this happened to me. Intellect be damned! That hurts my feelings.

I know the words that were spoken. I’ve heard them direct from source. I have been hurt by the perpetuation of lies. I did think though, that at least if folks were going to come for the perceived train wreck, they’d see my words. I hoped they’d see me as a person through my words. Clearly, if you can read one person and believe what they say, you can do same with another? That is what I believed. Just words after all… So much damage from such small things.

Sadly, I’ve learned it’s not true. My life continues to be a peep show for some. The old hangers-on, the new online dalliances… The temptation to post “move along, there’s nothing to see here”, often wants to fly off my angry fingertips.

Then I remember why I’m here.

I have words.

I have beautiful words to share. I have a wealth of life and love and learning experience that I believe has value and that I wish to share. There are people here who look past the gossip, who have open minds and see the big picture, in my words.

 ~~~~~

One of my favourite parables is about a wife who is gossiping about another woman in town. Her Rabbi hears about it and visits her, bringing with him a feather pillow.

He doesn’t mention the gossip but instead instructs her to go to the top of the hill outside town on the next windy day. She is to tear open the pillow and shake out the feathers. On her way home, she is to pick up every single feather that has been released. On the day she performs this task, the Rabbi meets her as she is coming back into town. The woman is very upset, “Rabbi, this is an impossible task, how can I possibly gather up all the feathers? They have blown and spread so far!” The Rabbi nods and says “Yes, and that is why it’s important to not talk about others. Words once loosed, cannot be taken back.”

 ~~~~~

Don’t let your words be weapons. Don’t believe everything you hear. Don’t perpetuate rumours.
We were given the gift of speech. I think it behooves us to use it to communicate WITH each other and not ABOUT each other. How else do we instruct our children? At the end of the day, mine look at me with respect and they’ve walked this gauntlet with me.
I am just an ordinary human being, this is not my circus and definitely not my monkey. Though I’m always happy to speak with a fellow tightrope walker.

Blessed be.

~ kei
23 August 2014

~~~~~

The group dynamic that keeps the slander of a Narcissist alive is explained well in this piece: Narcissistic Group Dynamics

It is CRITICAL to check facts and sources – including humans – before acting upon or repeating what they say.

I Do The Time For His Crime

Hello. My name is Karin and I am a survivor of Narcissist Abuse.

It is three and one half months since I implemented full “No Contact”.

I’ve alluded to it, danced around it, written poetry that skims the surface  of it. Today, I had to face more of the fallout that seems never ending at times. Today, I want to shout it. Is it my fault that this monster took over my life? Yes. If being empathetic, seeing the good in people and wanting to help someone makes it my fault. Rather like, missing the last bus home from a late college class and having to walk a dark path alone would make it a person’s fault for being mugged or worse.

My home was listed for sale late yesterday.

The home that I worked most of my adult life for. The one that would have been paid off by the end of this year. The home that still contains items that are mine, including some of my dearest memories. The sofa and loveseat in my favourite colours of lilac and sage. Our Christmas decorations, collected over the years. My carefully chosen crèche, with my son’s werewolf action toy because we are that kind of crazy family.

Would this sale not be happening if I’d been able to dodge the Narc’s bullet?

Retrospect says yes. Like many couples, we had trials and tribulations that frayed our bond badly. A very troubled child and the pressure cooker emotions that go with that. It is fair to say that I was ripe for the plucking by a man who was skilled in deception. It is more than fair to say that had that man not manipulated and lied to the almost unfathomable extent he did, I would not be in the middle of dissolving what has been my world for more than half my life. Am I a foolish girl who had a pretty picture dangled in front of her and just ran to the next shiny? Not even a little bit. Only the most arrogant and condescending of fools would entertain a thought like that. No. My life was carefully and methodically broken down and rebuilt by someone who borders on psychopath. Weasling in under false pretenses, mining for information and then carefully deconstructing the most intimate aspects of me. Right from the foods I like, my choices in friends to dictating how I should approach personal adornment and even my choices in hair removal. The lies are endless, almost surreal in their nature, substantiated with a few random facts scattered about, enough to maintain the charade until the bitter end. The mask came off, the women revealed, the manipulation of them, the hiding, the blocking, the stalking, the slander. Oh hell yes, the slander. I walked away from the insanity and consequently, must be punished by having my good name, both personal and professional, sullied by this monster.

Why am I writing this?

To get my mind off things, I decided to unpack a box of books. A year later, in the apartment that I thought I’d be sharing with the Monster, I thought I’d do that. The box contained many books I’ve cherished since I was a child but it also had the books that I so carefully selected as a young mother for my two beautiful children. The two most important people in the world to me, who no longer have the home base they grew up in. I’ve been weeping like a child myself for the last hour and I want this poison out.

If this white-hot rage could be laser targeted; that filthy, lying piece of shit would be dead.

That his life goes on, that he continues to play his games and is not only supported but lauded is the most horrific miscarriage of Justice that I can imagine. That people online know and do nothing is unconscionable. To date, women flock to him and only one has had the courage to contact me. It’s so much easier to believe the outlandish lies and complete fabrications of a male than to send a two-line inquiry to the target of his slander.

What was my crime?

I was at a low point in my life. Separated and vulnerable. I was offered what I believed was a chance for love and happiness that had long eluded me. Not a faerytale, a nice life that would include my kids, my family. They know this person. I fell in love with the Grand Illusion. Nothing about this man is what he seems. Nothing. All Photoshop, fake profiles, stolen words and stolen dreams. I would have needed joint custody granted for the ring he proposed to put on my finger.

What is my point?

My life has been utterly decimated by a Narcissist Abuser. I did not know that the term Narcissist meant more than just an egotistical or self-absorbed person or that Narcs are pathological liars. I am a smart and well-educated woman. I don’t believe in faerytales that don’t include unicorns and I grew up with the Internet. I did not invite this Predator into my life, the monster found , groomed and manipulated my life the better to take advantage. Narcs are dangerous and all the more so because of the supply the get from Empaths and the support by default they get from Apaths. I own my part in this. I have a good heart that didn’t see evil. So tell me, where is his accountability in this? Why is he allowed to continue destroying lives?

The next target has already been acquired.

~ kei

~~~~~

If you made it this far, bless you for reading this highly uncharacteristic post. I am intensely private and protective of my personal life in the normal course of things. The gaping wound was reopened this morning and I had to speak, despite previous threats. If one good thing can come of this, I hope it’s that the links I post for both informational purposes and to provide concrete help are being read and shared. Too little is known about the pathological aspects of Narcissism and too few people look beyond the mask of the abusers to see the nightmares they create.

If you suspect you’re involved with a Narc, please do yourself the favour of reading Kim Saeed’s blog “Let Me Reach and also reading a very well known expert on this subject, Sam Vaknin PhD, at his website and found on Facebook.

Knowledge is power.

I’m a Stalker, You’re a Stalker, They’re a Stalker Too

This post needed a little levity, the better to make the point so, sing the title along to the tune, which actually did occur to me as I was trying to think of a catchy yet related post title.

Note the people following the attractive Song and Dance Man (David McNaughton – American Werewolf In London). That was a happy accident. Not only because I’d never seen these commercials before, only heard the jingle but also because Narcissists often present as charming, charismatic and good-looking. They can work a crowd!

Narcissists thrive on secrecy and smearing. These are the tools they use to create, manipulate and maintain their environment and deceptions. If you are being asked to keep secrets, watch someone’s back or to avoid a complete stranger by a new friend or acquaintance in your real or online life; this should raise huge red flags. Secrecy (blocking on social media is just one tool) and cloak and dagger games, heighten the urgency and create a feeling of inclusion in a “magic circle” for the people surrounding the Narcissist. They are more likely to unwittingly play into his (sometimes) illegal activities. In RL, it’s hard to imagine people leaving common sense behind. Would you actually “look out for” a complete stranger? Would you peek into the windows of other people simply because someone asked you to? Highly unlikely. In real life, there would be restraining orders, there would be proof required, However, on the internet and especially when we are in communities of like-minded people, many folks do just that without pausing to say to themselves “What gives?”

In other words: Where have all my colleagues (friends, family) gone? To the tune of “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

Ask good questions. Benefit of doubt should always be given. Research should always be done. Finding yourself in a position that is akin to accessory to a crime is not where you want to be. A good one to ask yourself is “Why am I hearing all these dreadful stories about someone I don’t know from a cat-herder?” and “Why is a total stranger confiding and conveying this information to me?” Individuals with NPD thrive on secrecy, they maintain it by covering the tracks of their behaviour. They do it by smearing the reputation of people from their previous version of themselves, isolating former friends, lovers, spouses, simply by painting them in an unfavourable light. “Oh, don’t talk to them, they’re crazy. He’s been stalking me all over the internet. She’s parked at the end of my street every night.” If something sounds fishy, juvenile or overly dramatic, be alert. In RL, normal adults should neither enable nor participate in this behaviour.  Ask your new friend to supply evidence.. If it isn’t forthcoming, be brave, be bold – go to the suspected threat. They won’t be hard to find, they have a starring role in the Narcissist’s tales and you may be surprised what a simple Google search may yield.

  There are always two sides to a story.

~ kei
17 March 2014

~~~~~~~~~~

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NPD is a very real personality disorder. It isn’t “just” vanity, big ego or benign delusions that can be fixed by a partner or spouse. It is highly destructive and cannot be changed, regardless of anything you do. I was not aware of the difference, in fact, had no idea that NPD existed. Discovering this, putting a name to it, having a frame of reference for the actions and most importantly, knowing that NPD has a predatory aspect, has turned on a light in my life.
This blog has a wealth of information and resources: Let Me Reach on WordPress
Please visit, read and educate yourself, particularly if you are a woman who is wondering every day “Is it me? What am I doing wrong? How can I change to be better for him?” Read and discuss for our daughters’ sake. This information isn’t widely known and it must be shared.
These people are out there. They walk and talk just like us, on the surface and they may present in a very pretty package but they are not what they seem. Learn the signs and markers.

Why Does a Narcissist Write Poetry?

Why Does a Narcissist Write Poetry?.

Fair question. The answer is addressed at the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, an expert in the field of Narcissist Personality Disorder.

You can find the full text in his book: Malignant Self Love

 “He writes such beautiful words of love, how can he be a Narcissist?” Narcissists are not capable of love in the same way normal humans are, they are however, expert chameleons. Parrots can mimic human speech. Predators can research what words humans respond to.

~~~~~~~~~~

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NPD is a very real personality disorder. It isn’t “just” vanity, big ego or benign delusions that can be fixed by a partner or spouse. It is highly destructive and cannot be changed, regardless of anything you do. I was not aware of the difference, in fact, had no idea that NPD existed. Discovering this, putting a name to it, having a frame of reference for the actions and most importantly, knowing that NPD has a predatory aspect, has turned on a light in my life.
This blog has a wealth of information and resources: Let Me Reach on WordPress
Please visit, read and educate yourself, particularly if you are a woman who is wondering every day “Is it me? What am I doing wrong? How can I change to be better for him?” Read and discuss for our daughters’ sake. This information isn’t widely known and it must be shared.
These people are out there. They walk and talk just like us, on the surface and they may present in a very pretty package but they are not what they seem. Learn the signs and markers.

No Really, It’s You

“Baby, you’re the only one who understands me.” “Baby, I feel safe with you.” “Baby, I’ve never loved another woman like I love you.” “Baby, I could never replace you so quickly, I don’t work that way.”

Two of the most educational and empowering posts that I read on Let Me Reach are: Several Shades Of Smeared and How You Became The Other Woman. They both enlightened me to a recognizable behavioural pattern and have given me a little insight onto the patterns of others in the relationship dynamic with the Narcissist. Two things kept on – and and on bad nights still do – droning like bees in my brain: How can a Narcissist so easily discard someone that they claim they can’t function without. More importantly, why is there a seemingly endless line of women eager to step into your not even vacated place? My theory is it’s because they play the intrinsic strengths and weaknesses of women against one another.

Several Shades of Smeared had me revisiting a question that I was constantly asking myself. Why, when my Narc is clearly here, happy and attached to me are there women constantly throwing themselves at his feet? It seemed odd to me that these women would completely ignore my existence or treat me with disdain, while flaunting and flirting right in front of me. I’ve always had a theory that there really is no “Sisterhood”. Certainly, it flies out the window the moment that there are stay-at-home Mums and working Mums in a room together. What I didn’t know, is that a Narc will deliberately demean you to others behind your back, even while telling you that you’re his world. They will fabricate a story that paints you as an adversary and a lunatic to these women. It serves to isolate you and plays to the nurturer that many of us are. It also makes the flirting and flaunting that the Narc is doing, look somewhat more legitimate in the eyes of the ever-changing circle of people that surrounds them. Their new admirers are now special, part of the magic circle, confidantes. The cycle begins again, the new conquest is lined up.

How You Became The Other Woman, dovetailed to the above perfectly. And really? Who wouldn’t want to be the chosen of someone who on the surface, is good-looking, multi-talented and successful? Especially if you’re helping him escape or get over the “Crazy Bitch” that he is currently with. After all, he’s told you that she’s jealous, controlling, doesn’t love him.

There is always a female waiting and wanting to be “The One” for this beautiful, misunderstood creature. We’re helpers. We’re nurturers. Confidences about the crazy girlfriend or wife, turn into watching her for him, protecting him. Bonds and intimicies begin to form. You see how that works for the Narc?
Meanwhile, the partner’s at home, turning herself and her world inside out to be everything that she’s expected to be by him. Still wearing her hair how he likes it, still feathering their nest and wondering what the hell is happening.

In the internet world, Narcs have a huge new playground. They can be anything they want and it’s much more difficult to actually see the traits. All the more reason to be cautious and informed when a stranger confides in you. All the more reason to not make judgements about someone you’ve never spoken with. Surely, if you can give credence to the tales of woe of one stranger, you can at least ask the question of another?

Sit with that for a moment.

This isn’t High School Confidential. It’s not the better woman winning the prize. It’s enabling a predator by default, if one chooses to deliberately ignore or avoid the other side of a story.

~ kei

23 February 2014

~~~~~~~~~~

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NPD is a very real personality disorder. It isn’t “just” vanity, big ego or benign delusions that can be fixed by a partner or spouse. It is highly destructive and cannot be changed, regardless of anything you do. I was not aware of the difference, in fact, had no idea that NPD existed. Discovering this, putting a name to it, having a frame of reference for the actions and most importantly, knowing that NPD has a predatory aspect, has turned on a light in my life.
This blog has a wealth of information and resources: Let Me Reach on WordPress
Please visit, read and educate yourself, particularly if you are a woman who is wondering every day “Is it me? What am I doing wrong? How can I change to be better for him?” Read and discuss for our daughters’ sake. This information isn’t widely known and it must be shared.
These people are out there. They walk and talk just like us, on the surface and they may present in a very pretty package but they are not what they seem. Learn the signs and markers.

**Duly noted that there are both males and females with NPD – I’m relaying my thoughts, opinions and experience not someone else’**