Insomnia

Odd, given all that goes on in my life, I rarely suffer with insomnia.
Tonight is one of those rare nights.

For whatever bizarre reason, I can not get this out of my head.
It’s that; indifference is like a murder weapon when used against an Empath…
It’s not as though I spend waking thoughts on this… but once in a while… tonight… my brain is wracked with questions that just shouldn’t matter.

Who cares? Let it go. Did I do something wrong? Am I that forgettable? Did I, do I hold you, us, that time with all it’s raging passion – in all things in some weird, undeserved esteem? Was it wrong, bad, dumb, utterly misguided to believe it should have evolved?
The questions that I know intellectually just should not matter, gain some sort of supernatural power at night… my brain won’t shut down. No amount of rational thinking, Zen techniques, calming mantras works…

This indifference cuts so deep into my soul, freezing and shattering my memories, my self-worth, my perception of place in my own life story… I want it to stop. It makes me angry that someone who can make me nothing in their mind has this much power over my subconscious… enough to have me awake in the Witching Hour banging out these hopeless, hurt and profoundly foreign thoughts.

Your indifference challenges everything I think and believe about me; about my intelligence, humour, wit, warmth. In this moment, I feel like they are nothing, that the striving meant nothing because there was a goal, to be something that you would value as part of your life. That the breaking apart would be a time to learn and then grow back together in a place of balance, not a place where I felt like less. Yet, here I am… feeling just that. I don’t know how to deal with this thought process that won’t just stop. I don’t want to waste another moment on a lost cause. Something in my head though, wants so badly to know why and something in my heart dies a little every time I realize that you just don’t care.

It may be the ugliest, loneliest realization that I’ve ever known…

~ keib, 4:07am, 11 December 2020

I’ll Fight You

do unto others…

the golden rule is sadly tarnished

rules of engagement

more like

ignored so hard, I’m bleeding inside

i retreat, regroup, rethink

how can two people who once loved so deeply

not even be able to speak?

is this your strategy? is this how you do unto me?

I try that weapon, the blade turns

slicing at what’s left of my heart

betrayed at night by the enemy within

a traitor subconscious

dreaming a language that was ours alone

skin to skin, soul to soul

the code i know you know

something in me won’t let that go

do unto others…

I’ll fight your silence forever

to save my illusions of you

~ kei
26 May 2018

Ruminating

You know…

It isn’t your feet of clay that depress me and have turned passion to pity

Not that at all, once beloved of my youth

Read this: my ironic smile

Not that at all

It is your icy heart

Your sedimentary soul

Your calcified mind

Mostly I mourn our friendship’s lost potential…

I mourn the rebuff wrapped in this abhorrently cheap suit of transparent macho immaturity you insist on wearing like an Armani suit

Your sadly archaic, Neanderthal and schoolboy-perception driven ego

That makes you think that you are above even the smallest of social courtesies

For fear that by those, I might find you enticing enough to pursue you

Sad little man

What did you do to the boy that I loved?

And no…

That question was not me flirting with you

~ kei
20 January 2016

Hypothermia

You are so cold
A frostbitten soul

Me, frantic incandescent
Trying to warm us both

On embers of visions
And flames of memories

You are beyond my heat
Frigid, rigid, crystallized

This expedition is a failure
I’m no match for the elements

Erebus’ dreams flicker out
Crushed in your icy, uncaring grip

Sinking to crystalline depths
Preserved in icy midnight

A frozen spark of hope lost
In the Arctic of your soul

~ kei
28 October 2015

Just My Due

I’m not asking for much

Certainly, not more than what you could so easily give

Just this

A kiss

That piece of me that you hold in your memory

Because I have lost myself

My world is off its axis

And just once

I’d like to feel whole again

Complete

Loved

Beautiful

The way I did when I could see me

Reflected, refracted

Every facet diamond cut and perfect

In the depths of umber

That are your eyes

~ kei
21 September 2015

Becoming

Slowly slipping back into my old skin

The tan, the scars, the ink, the bruises

Unmarred by his ecstatic praise

Or his scathing judgements

I am wholly and completely my own again

Every day pushing the chrysalis boundary

I’m closer to reclaiming my wings

My thoughts are electric, body singing

I wonder are you listening, are you there

Is tonight the night I’m truly free

~ kei
23 July 2015

Shivers butterfly

Mermaid’s Dreams

Dreams have finally returned to me…

We met again last night
You slipped quietly into mind’s view
A shadowed goodness, a friendly idea
I’m surprised to see you here

Subconscious is a capricious destination
Images confounding, conflicting
Sometimes horrific, sometimes healing
Would I could hold the words they conjure

Capricorn and Cancer
In the early days
I joked that
Together we made mud

I am a fearsome Dual Cap
Born on a cusp
Just like a wave
A fey and fluid mermaid
Unmindful of the tempest
Fearless and surefooted
At the heights

You almost impenetrable
Gruff, Guarded
Until the shell cracked
And the pearl revealed
In truth you were
My faithful shore
A place of safety
Where I could throw
The storm-tossed waves of me
Onto your sturdy beach

Stability, my island
Is what you were to me
And it seems in these
Golden years that should
Be together but are not
You still feel like shelter to me

The final shriek and howl
Red skies at morning
Left me dashed, broken, bashed
In an unknown place
You scattered with detritus
Of a ship run aground
A spiteful hurricane
Spun our world’s axis
Like a child’s top
The Coriolis effect
Recharted our lives

In dreams, the world is set to rights. Different but calm, zephyr winds and blue skies…

The ocean rhythm that
Pulses still in my veins
Is irrevocably drawn back
Calmer now but like the tide
Under the moon’s guidance
Drawn back to a less craggy
Weathered and yet enduring place

In dreams you are still the steady and everlasting shore
I feel your calming presence though we are no more
Ever my siren heart’s cove you are it seems
Respite from all these storms if only in dreams

~ kei
18 July 2015

For Richard. Who I never wrote for because we were busy living the words.

Sad Mermaid