THE VULGAR CONCEPT OF SELF

THE VULGAR CONCEPT OF SELF

There are some absolutely brilliant concepts presented here. The post is via HastyWords and written by Anthony Amore of The Plagued Parent.
My own struggles with the Internet are very similar and this struck a deep chord. It is not only children who abuse their perceived impunity on bandwidth.

HASTYWORDS

Society as a whole has a lot to learn about internet privacy and etiquette. Adults are constantly having to educate themselves in order to teach kids how to be safe and smart. We never really think we need to worry about what they are saying about us.

I was afraid to share this story since it is highly personal. I have been assured -and you can see for yourself by visiting their blog- that this is already a very public case.

How we behave online has long-living and far-reaching consequences.  Once it is typed and posted it is like Frankenstein, alive and uncontrollable.  Thank you Anthony and Christina for telling this story and for reminding us to take social media seriously with our kids.  Please check out their blog at The Plagued Parent.

477px-Frankenstein's_monster_(Boris_Karloff)The Vulgar Concept of Self by A.R. Amore

The lawyer said a single deposition would cost…

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Stop Thinking With Your Little Head

As always: I am writing from MY experience and it is with men. I am perfectly aware that there are female predators out there. There is zero requirement to point out the obvious to me.
Though I don’t have to defend, I will expand to say: I have many wonderful men in my life including my beautiful son, my Dad, brother, even my former husband.
Predators are NOT the norm or the majority.

Okay Ladies. There’s this thing. It’s better than Hermès on sale or finding Manolo’s at the thrift shop.

It’s called “The Sisterhood”.

Can we all please just get with the program, stop being catty, high school morons for a moment? Seriously, I never much liked my gender but that’s increased a million-fold since I started on WordPress.

There are bad men out there. They look like men, walk like men, may even speak in full sentences, write beautiful poetry or paint pretty pictures but they are not men.
They are predators.

If you’re just on here “For Play”, stop reading now – I don’t care about you. If any of you actually believe that you can have a meaningful relationship or that you know one fucking thing about someone on the internet – you are wrong and you are putting yourself and perhaps those you love at risk,

I’ve had well-meaning people comment off the cuff that you can get a sense of a person from what they share in venues like this. That statement is complete and utter garbage. I am an amazingly warm, loving,intuitive human (I’ll give you references if you need ’em) and I have been royally fooled once and had another person try to pull the same game again.

Here’s my proposal:

I have more experience than I want in this. I have resources. If this message reaches you and you have even the tiniest bit of doubt about the man you are communicating with, please – please – message me for those resources.

I swear, I don’t want anyone else’ man. I don’t stalk. I don’t chase boys. I am not a crazy bitch. I do not bite. Period. Hell! In the 3D world, I’m regarded as rather “a catch”!
But… that’s the primary way that these animals find their way in – divide and conquer.
What I am is someone who was victimized wholly and completely and in this little pressure cooker, I get to watch history repeat itself.

If you hear any of these, they are red flags:

I’m in a loveless relationship
I’m in an open relationship
None of them understand me
You’re the first one to understand me
I’ve never connected so deeply with another
I would marry you if I were single
It’s a business trip
I don’t know why she left me

There is a Sisterhood – it should transcend petty jealousy and contrived competition – we cannot sit around and trash men and their shitty behaviour when we turn around and do the exact same thing. Open your eyes! If a dude is going through women faster than loo tissue – who has the problem? Do any of you honestly believe that there is an endless stream of crazy stalker bitches just waiting to tear apart a man and that you are the only good, decent, understanding woman out there? Get serious. If that were the case, the human race would have imploded long ago. So many women are disgusted by men who “think with their little head”. What do you think you’re doing when you go after some dude without a care or a by your leave to the wife, girlfriend or partner? AS IF!! You just believe what some dude tells you and don’t even ASK her? Nice Human Race. Real integrity there.

Please, ask good questions and for the love of whatever… don’t fall for those same tired lines again. These guys get us because we ignore our own intuition and we piss on the Sisterhood the second a dick walks in the room. Is this what you want to teach your daughters?

I thought not.

I have resources, I have good ears for listening. I have solid facts and information.
You are welcome to use that “Message Me” tab way up at the top there.
Of course you don’t want to know the truth – that buggers up the fantasy doesn’t it?
I’m here to tell you, the fallout is a fucking shit ton worse.

Talk to each other!

~ kei
7 December 2014

I cannot thank deeply enough, the brave women who chose to hit “send”. You’ve validated all my suspicions and my responses. We’re all wiser and safer for that.
The resources I mentioned are all encompassing and if you are a man who has experienced or is in a relationship with someone who lies, cheats, is internet-obsessed, takes no responsibility, is always the victim; you may be involved with a Narcissist (or a shitty human being) these resources welcome and are helpful for men too.

The Making Of Apaths

ap·a·thy
noun \ˈa-pə-thē\: the feeling of not having much emotion or interest : an apathetic state

Full Definition of APATHY
1
:  lack of feeling or emotion :  impassiveness
2
:  lack of interest or concern :  indifference
See apathy defined for English-language learners »
See apathy defined for kids »
Examples of APATHY
People have shown surprising apathy toward these important social problems.
I’m not Gay / Black / Red / Female why should I care?

The term “Apath” has evolved to describe the people surrounding a Narcissist who deliberately or benignly turn a blind eye to the characteristics, activities and victims of the Narcissist, or simply sit back and allow it. “Not my problem”, “Not hurting me”, “But he writes so beautifully!”, “He/She was just wrong for her/him, I’m the one he needs”, “Who cares?”, “I don’t want to get involved”

~~~~~

Having emerged from an abusive relationship, I can see more clearly how my life and my self were deconstructed to the point where it was possible for a predator to take over. One part of the story was my short time as being simply an Apath during the devalue, discard,  and smear of one of the previous targets of the Narc.

With the knowledge I’ve gained since February, when the “relationship” ended permanently with me telling the Poetical Predator that we were finished and implementing “No Contact” (before I was aware that this is both a tool and a coping strategy); I admit at times feeling a little guilt that I was once the type of person who so infuriates me now. Apaths are the adoring audience that a Narcissist surrounds him/herself (for the purpose of clarity and because this is my story and my carpal tunnel, this Narc was male and all pronouns in my writing will reflect that fact going forward). Apaths can be involved with the Narc to varying degrees, sometimes they only see the public face and therefore, have no reason to question or involve themselves when a drama erupts around the Narc. Others, like me, are in fact being evaluated for our potential as the next “Target”. The Narc was textbook in his approach with me, unfortunate that they don’t make that book available in Social Studies or Psych 101.

A friendship that developed over time, the gradual inclusion in my Social Media, where he promptly began data-mining for the “Mirroring” phase (add water and presto! You’re an indian who loves wolves, Thai, vintage cars and purple). The private communications that began innocently enough. It’s easy for anyone to see that I am compassionate, empathetic and a good listener. We talked about his troubles with children, an in law, PTSD from military service; even requests for “womanly” advice about his daughter and help with recipes! All meant to be disarming. Then the more intimate sharing of past marital disputes, spousal infidelity, his enforced celibacy and dating issues associated with his being online. I had no way of knowing that virtually all of this had zero basis in reality. Zero. ALL of it. I only saw the online persona at that time. It never clicked that in all his “troubles”, he was always the victim.

In those early days, he was actively devaluing and demonizing – my Narc couldn’t stop at just devaluing – a woman who I now suspect may be his first online victim. She was an easy target. Loving, older, single for a long time. He would encourage her publicly and then precipitously ban or block her from the public forum where we’d met. She’d be back again within a couple of weeks. As an observer of people, I noted the trend after a while. It became more evident once he and I connected as “friends” on the Facebook platform. By then, he’d begun to use the terms “stalker” and “stalking” when he spoke about her. In fairness, the behaviours I could see supported his comments. I believe now that there was much behind the scenes orchestration of that. After all, performance art is a Narc’s existence. I could not see the other side and herein lies my point: I bought it based on what I could see.

Narc was adept at weaving tales and particularly skilled at portraying people here online as bat shit crazy. There’s a LOT of you, LOL! By the time it was no longer necessary to smear this one woman, ostensibly because he’d created several other “enemies”, real women and accounts he created, he had not one, not two, but three restraining orders against her. I wonder if she knows? By that time, he had enlisted my support as a “protector” of sorts. Blocking this woman, not allowing her onto my public Facebook page (because she “stalked” him there – the evidence of those days is there yet) and as a Manager Admin on his Facebook page, keeping her and an ever-growing group of women blocked – AT HIS REQUEST. “Baby, can you keep an eye on her? My daughter says she’s posting about me again.” This is the same time he began laying the groundwork for having me remove much of my online presence, since reestablished. Why yes. Yes I do have evidence to support what I’m saying.

I was a very good Apath. First Lieutenant Apath. It never occurred to me to question because he manipulated this woman to support the stories he told me. Her piteous poems of their dates, her dreams for their future, his stories about her parked outside his home and pursuing Facebook relationships with his children and family; all served to make her look crazy. Why couldn’t she just let it go? Why didn’t she just leave him be when there was a restraining order against her. I certainly wasn’t going to engage with her by asking the questions. Who knew what might set her off. Right? If I’d asked, just once; my life might be very different now. I chose to believe the poor, beleaguered poet because I was” the only one who understood”, “his best friend”. In reality, his best and longest lasting “Supply”.

It wasn’t long before the “love-bombing” began. He professed his love on 11 November 2011 and the “romantic” chapter of the saga began.

But that’s another story for another day.

~ kei

24 August 2014

~~~~~

This site and the wonderful, compassionate woman who Admins there, saved my sanity. If you suspect you or someone you love is involved with a Narcissist Predator, her site and those that she recommends can provide a wealth of education, healing and most important for this little known and often minimized type of abuse; belief, understanding and support.

 Let Me Reach here on WordPress.

Death Of A Muse

When she finally retired, it wasn’t to a lot of fanfare or acclaim. As a matter of fact, I think its fair to say, not many of her fans really noticed. She’d been absent from the scene for so long. Although she never said anything to me about it directly, I knew. In spite of the long distance nature of our relationship right at that time, we were close and yes, I knew.
So did the stalker that killed her career and very nearly ruined her at the same time.
We knew that it went with the territory. People, artists in the public eye get this stuff all the time. I guess she was more accustomed to it, having been in the biz since she was in her teens but for me…? This was all new and it was scary. Especially as the years rolled on and it became easier and easier for every crackpot who wanted to play with the band, or deranged female who thought my Love’s songs were for them; to find her, us.
We or one of the management would notice the signs and try to stop it but with the advent of the internet… The psycho avalanche was unstoppable.
We tried to stem the damage but copyrights and artistic content, it seems can’t be kept safe from those who want to thieve them. For me, that was terrible. No one will ever know who I am and I don’t really care but I contributed in my own right to what she gave to the world. We co-wrote a lot of material, I play bass on several tracks and I sang backing vocals on every album.
Do you remember “Black and Blue”? She wrote that for me. “Black is the colour of my true love’s hair, emerald eyes and mermaid stare.” We were at the lake, sitting round a dying bonfire… the music just flowed.
I stumbled over some chick’s postings where she claimed that this song and several other of J’s work had been written for her, claimed to be my love’s muse. She had pictures of my love posted, with me cropped out. I thought I would die…
What kind of psycho thinks or does shit like that?
J was furious. She talked to her manager, publisher, even got in touch with our lawyers but it was too no avail. Everywhere she turned, there was someone trying to get to her. It was affecting her, me, the kids and… her work.
Slowly, she began withdrawing. Buying back the rights where she could, I didn’t find out about that for a while. Removing and having removed; as many traces as she could of what had once been her first and perhaps best love. And all I could do was watch as the person I loved lost a vital piece of themselves. It was like watching her never-ending murder with handcuffs and a gag on… They might just as well have been killing me too.
Eventually, the contracts stopped coming and our friends and legit fans stopped asking.
When anyone from the press calls, I field the questions with, “She’s on sabbatical right now.” But I know and so does she that she’s retired.
For a while, I thought and hoped that she could continue on for the sake of everyone who so loved her and her work. I know that her words touched so many, helped so many when they thought no one else could. I keep the fan letters in a black lacquer box that I bought somewhere on our last tour.
All it took was one, one deranged female who wouldn’t stop stalking her.
I wish I could ask that piece of garbage what was in her head. Why would she ever look at a complete stranger and think it was ok to impose her psychotic fantasies on them?
I would like to tell her that she killed the best and most beautiful part of a human being who meant the world to the world, to their family and… to me.
Once in a while, she sits out on the deck, notebook on her lap, chewing her pen. I know that the words still flow, still beautiful, still entrancing but the guitar beside her remains untouched. Once she’d hidden herself from the world, she decided to remain hidden.
The words are all gone now, The Muse only lives on vinyl and parchment…

~ ket
28 February 2012

Originally published in A Grain Of Truth I by Karin Bole Tupper

*Warning* Bullies on WP!

Couldn’t agree more! Thank you for sharing this and know that I support you.

petitemagique

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I noticed this week that a lot of people get attacked by online assholes who let nasty comments on their blogs.

This makes me mad because some people are sharing very sensitive posts about their lives and actually want to stop blogging.

Do Not Stop Blogging!

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You all combined have a lot of followers and I really want people to be aware of this.

They are even hacking into WP accounts and use other bloggers to leave those comments or they will hack into sites to hide behind!

So, just know that if you get a hurtful comment from me, it’s not me who left the comment. (unless if you are an online asshole, then it was definitely me!)

These people are fucking with the community and I am not ignoring this any longer!

Don’t let these idiots poison the blogosphere. Let’s make a stand together and say NO to Online Bullying!

Please, let your followers know…

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Calm

Rest ye calm Beloved, I am right here by your side
They cannot hurt us anymore, there is no need to hide

I do not mind the shadow, I do not mind to be your mirror
My soul lives inside your heart and I am contented here

I will always be your shelter, I understand your need for peace
Rest easy in my arms now, their foolish babel will soon cease

My Dearest love, my soul mate, lay your body down with me
There is no need to defend, I know I am the beloved of thee
We are so far beyond these things, indivisible are we
I am your breath, your blood and bones and so you are to me

~ kei
19 December 2013

Kateri In Bleddyn's Mirror