Odd, given all that goes on in my life, I rarely suffer with insomnia.
Tonight is one of those rare nights.

For whatever bizarre reason, I can not get this out of my head.
It’s that; indifference is like a murder weapon when used against an Empath…
It’s not as though I spend waking thoughts on this… but once in a while… tonight… my brain is wracked with questions that just shouldn’t matter.

Who cares? Let it go. Did I do something wrong? Am I that forgettable? Did I, do I hold you, us, that time with all it’s raging passion – in all things in some weird, undeserved esteem? Was it wrong, bad, dumb, utterly misguided to believe it should have evolved?
The questions that I know intellectually just should not matter, gain some sort of supernatural power at night… my brain won’t shut down. No amount of rational thinking, Zen techniques, calming mantras works…

This indifference cuts so deep into my soul, freezing and shattering my memories, my self-worth, my perception of place in my own life story… I want it to stop. It makes me angry that someone who can make me nothing in their mind has this much power over my subconscious… enough to have me awake in the Witching Hour banging out these hopeless, hurt and profoundly foreign thoughts.

Your indifference challenges everything I think and believe about me; about my intelligence, humour, wit, warmth. In this moment, I feel like they are nothing, that the striving meant nothing because there was a goal, to be something that you would value as part of your life. That the breaking apart would be a time to learn and then grow back together in a place of balance, not a place where I felt like less. Yet, here I am… feeling just that. I don’t know how to deal with this thought process that won’t just stop. I don’t want to waste another moment on a lost cause. Something in my head though, wants so badly to know why and something in my heart dies a little every time I realize that you just don’t care.

It may be the ugliest, loneliest realization that I’ve ever known…

~ keib, 4:07am, 11 December 2020



Do we ever stop being parents?
It’s 3:00AM and I was drifting in that space between dream and awake.
I was woken out of that dream by my daughter screaming. In the dream I looked back in terror and she was terribly hurt.
I haven’t had these dreams since my babies were small and now I have to endure the rest of the night in this residual terror and nausea that is left in the wake of spent adrenaline.
No, I can’t text. It’s three in the morning and she’ll laugh at my fey notions or be mad.
I miss the years when I could fall asleep and stay there.


The murder of crows outside my window, sounds more like a massacre
And the right side of my bed still holds the imprint of her

Distant wail of sirens on the highway is gonna drive me insane
Must be on the way here to fix the car crash in my brain

Nothing gives me comfort, nothing brings me sleep
Thoughts just keep on churning, drag me down into the deep

He said, she said. Why did you do that. What does it mean?
Moreover, why do I care so much about someone I’ve never seen

Just as sleep tries to reclaim me, as my thoughts begin to calm
Your image rises up before me, a torrid kiss and then you’re gone

(C) KbT
9 February 2014

Murder of Crows


I suffer from insomnia
But it’s really more like
A renegade variant
Of Epstein Barre Virus
Took up squatter’s rights
In my spinal fluid and liked it
But it needed more space and so
It took a sublet in the grey matter
That used to house my serotonin factory
Sometimes my brain rests
In LSD-like visions…

Until insomnia strikes
Not so much insomnia though
As it’s a mumbling male voice
And a rattling the knob of my front door
Causing synapses to warp from fidgety
To holy fuck!
And I leap out of bed like a cat
Well, maybe not exactly like a cat
But I’m wearing a Hello Kitty tee-shirt
My heart is going 90mph
It’s not even a weekend for christ’s sake…

As I move stealthily toward the door
But in reality, moving like a frightened mouse
I want more than anything to be wearing
My cloak of invincibility
Which was really just an old shirt of my Daddy’s
I used to wear those when I was unbreakable
That time when some strange guy came knocking
And It was just my sisters and me
‘Cause my Brother was still just a twinkle in my Mumma’s Eye
And I grabbed my Dad’s 303 because I knew
That I could handle anything back then
I had my Superman shirt on, you see?

I’m pretty sure that this Hello Kitty shirt
Doesn’t have that kind of magic in its fibres
And all I want right now is my Daddy
Or some kind of magic, any kind at all
Because I’m very alone and very scared
And my brain won’t stop replaying that night
When I was ten and brave and strong
And nobody was gonna hurt my sisters
And it seems like just the most stupid thought
When some drunk or stoned arsehole is in the hall…

The mumbling moved away after a minute
A minute that felt like three months
I listened with my ear to the door for more
More drunken wanderers or the mumbling
of the first wave of the zombie apocalypse
Because once you set my brain on a track
It’s gonna take it ALL the way to Where The Hell
That’s the fun part of the renegade virus…

So, I’m laying here trying to get back to… not awake
But I’m really sitting cause it’s easier to write
It’s been two hours now
And I’m not sure if I want to know what LSD visions
Ole EBV will make of tonight’s festivities
So I’ll stay awake here with my friend insomnia
He’s always here for me, knows all my crazy
Never laughs when I wear my Dad’s old shirt to bed
Or make my pillows into the shape of someone
Someone to watch over me
Someone who won’t let me be here
With all these

September 2013