Lodestone

I wrap myself in a simple garment of cotton
One that holds in its threads the essence of you
Slipping in and out of my self and my soul
Catching stitches of the past and the present
Gently pulling my heart-strings closer together

Weaving what I once was into who I am now
Tiny healing stitches of you and me
What I am and who you see
Carried in each inhalation
Something both electrifying and benediction

Talisman or lodestone, I can’t be sure
Knowing only that mornings of late
I come awake more fully who I am
More completely my own woman
Wrapped in the scent of a man

~ kei
26 November 2016

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Exposed

Here I am heart in hand
Sharp pain streaked memories rush in
An imminent squall warning
The red flags waving on a stormy beach
All the fear rises like a tide
Enveloping
My heart in a surge of protection
Shielding and yet yielding
A mist so airy
You could reach right through it
Dispersing
If only you were here

~ kei
14 March 2016

Thank You, Update And October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

First of all, thank you all for your lovely comments on my post about my Daughter’s birthday. I’m still a little bemused that anyone would entrust ME with two humans to raise but we’ve all survived, thrived and are a happy little band of love and silliness.

It was a busy day, as will this one be and I’m still trying to play catch up with you all in person – I’ll get there! In the meantime, just know it means a lot to me that you take the time to visit, read and comment ❤

I do need to share this important post with you from Bree Bonchay’s blog, “RelationshiPedia”. I’m doing a “press this” rather than full “reblog”, only to keep my post to a reasonable length.

Many of you know or have guessed that I was involved for a couple years with a Narcissist. Poetry has helped me to put a few things into a livable context. Concrete help has come from people like Kim Saeed, who I sometimes reblog and Bree is another person who has some very concrete and useful information to share. I highly recommend both for Survivors who want a balanced, respectful and recovery-focused viewpoint.

Bree is putting together a book in honour of  October being National Domestic Violence Awareness month. It will be called: “I Am Free: Healing Stories of Surviving Toxic Relationships With Narcissists & Sociopaths” and the goal is to provide inspirational stories that validate and help survivors learn from first hand accounts.

I don’t know that I’ll be doing this myself but I do know that there are others out there struggling with the lack of information, bizarre misconceptions and general apathy about bringing this form of abuse out of the dark. Survivors of Narcissist Abuse are consistently revictimized by misinformed family, friends and strangers and that must stop.

Please take a moment to read the post about the scope and intent of the book and if you know someone who may have a story to contribute or will benefit from its publication, please reblog, repost or save the link for future reference.

Source: Share Your Story In The Book, “I Am Free” About Surviving Narcissistic Abuse And Help Heal Others

WordPress is an amazingly supportive community and I hope you’ll consider getting the word out about this very real issue.

With gratitude and love
~ kei

Patina Of My Heart

Reading the piece “Grief” by the beautiful human and talented poet  SouldierGirl, opened an old seam in the fabric of me…

~~~~~

Does my grief equal? Can I speak at all to offer comfort?

Three of my babies were never born

“You’ll have more”

“Better now than when they’re older”

“I would have married you”

Well-intentioned words, with the accuracy of blow darts

My lost angels

I have screamed at the notion that time heals

In the truest sense, it does and it has

I rewove the fibres of my being with those threads missing

Altered by an absence

Fashioning Taj Mahal pockets in my heart

Stitch by careful stitch, day by month by year

I go on

Mended

~ kei
28 August 2015

Mermaid’s Dreams

Dreams have finally returned to me…

We met again last night
You slipped quietly into mind’s view
A shadowed goodness, a friendly idea
I’m surprised to see you here

Subconscious is a capricious destination
Images confounding, conflicting
Sometimes horrific, sometimes healing
Would I could hold the words they conjure

Capricorn and Cancer
In the early days
I joked that
Together we made mud

I am a fearsome Dual Cap
Born on a cusp
Just like a wave
A fey and fluid mermaid
Unmindful of the tempest
Fearless and surefooted
At the heights

You almost impenetrable
Gruff, Guarded
Until the shell cracked
And the pearl revealed
In truth you were
My faithful shore
A place of safety
Where I could throw
The storm-tossed waves of me
Onto your sturdy beach

Stability, my island
Is what you were to me
And it seems in these
Golden years that should
Be together but are not
You still feel like shelter to me

The final shriek and howl
Red skies at morning
Left me dashed, broken, bashed
In an unknown place
You scattered with detritus
Of a ship run aground
A spiteful hurricane
Spun our world’s axis
Like a child’s top
The Coriolis effect
Recharted our lives

In dreams, the world is set to rights. Different but calm, zephyr winds and blue skies…

The ocean rhythm that
Pulses still in my veins
Is irrevocably drawn back
Calmer now but like the tide
Under the moon’s guidance
Drawn back to a less craggy
Weathered and yet enduring place

In dreams you are still the steady and everlasting shore
I feel your calming presence though we are no more
Ever my siren heart’s cove you are it seems
Respite from all these storms if only in dreams

~ kei
18 July 2015

For Richard. Who I never wrote for because we were busy living the words.

Sad Mermaid

Reentry

I’m caught off guard by how much it hurts

I launched myself as far away as I could
Found a different orbit round a frosty planet
It’s suited me to feel all emotion fade
All feeling recede and curl into itself
Hibernating in the winter of my losses
Frozen into blissfully empty dreams

Lately though, a sound has been coming through
Static on the wires, sparking synapses to fire
I’m surprised to notice my heart still beats
Blood thaws, the fire in my belly leaps to life
Like pins and needles of the soul is this flow
It burns, sears itself through every nerve and fibre

Myself wakes shivering, ears tuned to the signal
A sound, a vibration that melds to my own pulse
Calling me, calling to the depths of my core
A howl that I must rouse to answer
“The winter of your soul is over now”
Polaris Exile, it’s time for reentry

~ kei
10 June 2015

Stardust woman

Reflections

i can always fix the things

you carelessly drop

or fling in blackest rage

in my direction

like the silver amalgam distortion

reflecting your damage

the fragments

sharp and jagged

crisscrossing my palms

slivers piercing my scarred heart

precious silver droplets fall

love’s molten solder

to piece you together

to once and again mirror

letting you see your true reflection

while i quietly remain, an ever burning flame

creating something beautiful

from pain

~ kei
22 April 2015