Mermaid’s Dreams

Dreams have finally returned to me…

We met again last night
You slipped quietly into mind’s view
A shadowed goodness, a friendly idea
I’m surprised to see you here

Subconscious is a capricious destination
Images confounding, conflicting
Sometimes horrific, sometimes healing
Would I could hold the words they conjure

Capricorn and Cancer
In the early days
I joked that
Together we made mud

I am a fearsome Dual Cap
Born on a cusp
Just like a wave
A fey and fluid mermaid
Unmindful of the tempest
Fearless and surefooted
At the heights

You almost impenetrable
Gruff, Guarded
Until the shell cracked
And the pearl revealed
In truth you were
My faithful shore
A place of safety
Where I could throw
The storm-tossed waves of me
Onto your sturdy beach

Stability, my island
Is what you were to me
And it seems in these
Golden years that should
Be together but are not
You still feel like shelter to me

The final shriek and howl
Red skies at morning
Left me dashed, broken, bashed
In an unknown place
You scattered with detritus
Of a ship run aground
A spiteful hurricane
Spun our world’s axis
Like a child’s top
The Coriolis effect
Recharted our lives

In dreams, the world is set to rights. Different but calm, zephyr winds and blue skies…

The ocean rhythm that
Pulses still in my veins
Is irrevocably drawn back
Calmer now but like the tide
Under the moon’s guidance
Drawn back to a less craggy
Weathered and yet enduring place

In dreams you are still the steady and everlasting shore
I feel your calming presence though we are no more
Ever my siren heart’s cove you are it seems
Respite from all these storms if only in dreams

~ kei
18 July 2015

For Richard. Who I never wrote for because we were busy living the words.

Sad Mermaid

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All That Remains

I still struggle with unresolved feelings
Anger, Disbelief, Loss, Grief
Gradually, these are being replaced
Time, the gentle healer works magick
My twin-spirited Poet, you lost the battle
Your inner darkness was too strong
Misunderstood, others helped it flourish
Good and evil, charming and cruel
So desperate for love, so destructive with it
I find that I mourn for both of you

The man you wanted the world to see
The man who desperately clung to me

My lover who was a stranger
Who gambled and lost with danger

Unpacking the detritus of my old life
I come across these trinkets and mementos
They don’t hurt me anymore
In fact, I’m glad to have them
They remind me of the other man
The better man
The one you said you wanted to be
Your half of you and me
Gone with the doppelgänger
That the world knew
Inextricably, one and the same
I mourn both the men
Who had one name…

~ kei
11 May 2015

Happy 55th Birthday Peter. Some things cannot be erased but resolution and forgiveness can come from the most unlikely sources and when we need it most…

All That Remains ©Karin Bole Tupper

All That Remains
©Karin Bole Tupper

Untitled

black words, white paper
black shadow, white snow
black and white film
erotic picture show

his black heart beats
on my snow-white skin
the pain I know, calling again
open the door, let him in

he holds every card
so give up, give in
this game we’ve been playing
let go, let him win

for as time passes
his entreaties grow
and i’d rather be hurt
by the devil i know

~ kei
2012

Grey Areas

Grey Areas

Forgive, Forget. Let’s Talk Respect

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness quite a bit the last week.

So much so that I started a post that soon became an essay with a side of rant.
I’m not ranting though. Not even mad; not really.

There’s been a meme going round about a teacher who brilliantly provides her students with a lesson on forgiveness. Unless you live under a rock, you’ve likely read it.

The Crumpled Paper lesson on bullying and sorry.

We teach our children these things. We “like” and “share” those memes but so many adults do not walk the walk. It’s like there’s been a collective regression in society. I know my opinion is nothing new, it just has touched my life significantly in the last two years.

The last couple days, I’ve come to think that forgiveness and respect have a lot in common. They aren’t just automatically given. Like that crumpled sheet of paper, a terse “sorry” doesn’t fix things and certainly doesn’t entitle you to forgiveness. I think the belief that it should be is part of the culture of instant gratification that we’ve created.

Ten Things Forgiveness is Not Reconciliation by Gail Meyers The Scapegoats of a Narcissistic Mother 9

There’s a lot of memes state forgiving makes you the bigger person and it lifts a burden from your shoulders. I’m sure that’s true. I’ve embraced that. There are some situations and circumstances though, where I’ve seen a person who is legitimately wronged being shamed for not instantly forgiving on that grudging, lame-ass “Sorry”. That isn’t reasonable.

In this Internet age we have the ability to hurt far and beyond what we may intend; may in fact, come to regret. As adults, we have a responsibility to curb our tempers, particularly in the public realm. It’s easy to make use of that publish button, that tweet or email. It’s hard to accept that if you deliberately use these weapons to harm someone, they will hit the mark and your acquired target will not be able to defend themselves. It’s highly unlikely that a “sorry” – even if you do mean it – will put things back to rights.That momentary feeling of power – shaming the person you’re angry with, the ego-boosting pets and coos of people who only hear your side, their inevitable jumping to conclusions and their subsequent shaming or punishment of your target – will pass. You’ll want things back the way they were. The worst part of this is how people vent like overgrown two-year olds because they didn’t get their way, or deliberately ignored what the other person was saying and then expect their vengeful behavior to be simply forgiven and forgotten. No one should be made to feel bad because they don’t wish to forgive someone who offers no more than that insincere schoolyard “sorry” or the “well you made me do it”. Or worse, behind the scenes make up attempts, while taking no responsibility for the fallout of making a private “owie” a public stoning.

What may fix things is atonement. Atonement and making restitution. These things prove your sincerity and like respect, may earn you forgiveness. They may not put things back as they were but that isn’t really what they are intended for. They are to right a wrong that you’ve done.

Regardless if you felt justified – as adults, we should understand that personal relationships do not warrant a public airing – because as my other favourite parable about the woman, the rabbi and the feather pillow – we can’t possibly take back every word we spoke on a blog, a private email or anywhere else. That damage is done. It’s all too easy to try to win our point in public only to regret deeply in private. As a compassionate person, I can appreciate someone regretting their actions toward me – I certainly have done when I’ve lost my temper – but if that person had the balls to call me out in public and do my reputation, integrity and professional life significant harm, they should have the balls to atone with a public statement to own their bad temper.

What I carry isn’t a burden but the lesson that no one can be trusted to act with honour or integrity and that our society has become nothing more than a schoolyard full of bullies just waiting to feel entitled.

Unless and until atonement happens, I don’t forgive and I don’t forget.
It’s not my job to make nice so that you feel better.

Don’t treat your relationship like a sideshow because sometimes…
We have to live with the consequences of our actions.

Drake lyrics

Drake lyrics

~ kei
1 November 2014