Mermaid’s Dreams

Dreams have finally returned to me…

We met again last night
You slipped quietly into mind’s view
A shadowed goodness, a friendly idea
I’m surprised to see you here

Subconscious is a capricious destination
Images confounding, conflicting
Sometimes horrific, sometimes healing
Would I could hold the words they conjure

Capricorn and Cancer
In the early days
I joked that
Together we made mud

I am a fearsome Dual Cap
Born on a cusp
Just like a wave
A fey and fluid mermaid
Unmindful of the tempest
Fearless and surefooted
At the heights

You almost impenetrable
Gruff, Guarded
Until the shell cracked
And the pearl revealed
In truth you were
My faithful shore
A place of safety
Where I could throw
The storm-tossed waves of me
Onto your sturdy beach

Stability, my island
Is what you were to me
And it seems in these
Golden years that should
Be together but are not
You still feel like shelter to me

The final shriek and howl
Red skies at morning
Left me dashed, broken, bashed
In an unknown place
You scattered with detritus
Of a ship run aground
A spiteful hurricane
Spun our world’s axis
Like a child’s top
The Coriolis effect
Recharted our lives

In dreams, the world is set to rights. Different but calm, zephyr winds and blue skies…

The ocean rhythm that
Pulses still in my veins
Is irrevocably drawn back
Calmer now but like the tide
Under the moon’s guidance
Drawn back to a less craggy
Weathered and yet enduring place

In dreams you are still the steady and everlasting shore
I feel your calming presence though we are no more
Ever my siren heart’s cove you are it seems
Respite from all these storms if only in dreams

~ kei
18 July 2015

For Richard. Who I never wrote for because we were busy living the words.

Sad Mermaid

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The Preface

I paused for a moment, watching the haze of condensation on the outside of my wine glass.

“Yes. It’s true that I made some bad decisions and telling myself that they were made with best of intentions… well, we can talk about that crap later. Bottom line is, I never pretended to be someone’s friend and then moved in on their husband the second that the wife was out of the picture.”

The interviewer leaned forward, setting down his glass of wine. This part of the story was off the record. He looked at me from under lowered brows, elbows on knees, hands loosely clasped. His phone was off, he’d kept his word.

All I wanted was for my side of the story to be heard. Too many people had formed opinions based on their own narrow little worlds, their own wants and needs. Not a fucking one of them ever stopped to consider that I loved my husband. Always had, always would.

Sometimes, there just has to be a bad guy and for whatever reason… some of my  so-called friends had decided to cast me in that role.

As if they’d been able to convince themselves that somehow, I deserved to be lied to. Deserved to be cheated on. Deserved the betrayal that they thought I’d committed.
I guess it’s how they justified their betrayal of me…

… to be continued

~ kei
6 February 2015

~~~~~

Shelter me in love that’s shaped like the bay
Keep my heart safe from the storm and the waves

A Lifetime Ago Lake

A Lifetime Ago Lake ©Karin Bole Tupper

 

Prick’d

It’s all too easy these days…
To put on Lana’s haunting version of “Once upon a Dream”
~ Aurora is my Disney princess
To put on a long white dress and pull out my wedding album
~ My real dress is long gone
To curl up around what was my life on the cold wood floor
~ Do I deserve a more comfortable bed?
I deserve nothing more than these endless days and black empty nights
I want to fall asleep in this nightmare that I created
And wake up in the life that I tossed away for nothing
Or never wake up again
Led astray by the beautiful eyes of a basilisk
Beguiled by promises
Betrayed by illusions
While my mind replays, replays, replays
“You’ll love me at once, the way you did once, upon a dream…”

~ kei
5 February 2014

Crossroads

For Bastet’s Pixelventures Prompt 28 January 2014: “In a word show me something worth saving.”

This is what I think may be a slightly different take on the something worth saving theme.

Intangibles worth saving captured in a photo and not everything worth saving… can be.

Wedding

I never wrote for you

This is something that I only noticed recently

When that disquiet in my mind finally formed itself into the thought

I felt terrible

Terrible has become an everyday way for me to feel

This was worse than that

On the heels of the realization came also the images of what we have been

Of what we are not

I wondered to myself if maybe I didn’t write for you because we were both too busy living a real life

Retrospect tells me now that you showed your love in so many small ways that perhaps weren’t flowery or poetical but they were real and to this very moment, I can see the evidence of how you cared

I will never stop feeling guilty and ashamed for having allowed my own frustrated dreams to take me away from a place where we might have found our way back to each other

I made my choice at that crossroad and the Devil found me

Now I can say that I have written something for you. I only wish that it wasn’t an obituary for what was once you and me.

~ KbT

29 October 2013

I Really Loved That Stove…

It’s the little things I realize, as I look at the shiny, angry burn on my right knuckle.

I’ll never put a pan of cookies into this oven again. The oven I coveted so much, with its sleek white exterior and high tech, one touch buttons.
(They don’t work anymore)

And I think to myself how disposable appliances have become.
(Like lighters and goldfish… and people)

I stand in something of a daze of thoughts, pushing the timer buttons for an increment of a half hour. Pushing again because it comes up as “three, nine, nine, nine”. The timer has decided to dispense with zero for months now.
(Like we have dispensed of each other)

These are the times that I seem to cry the most. Each time another tiny piece of me shakes free and shatters on the ground.

In honesty, I cry all the time now. I had no idea that I had this many tears. My second child almost died at birth and I don’t remember crying then, not like this… I only remember frozen, creeping dread and numbness.

Now though, I cry so much I am afraid I’ll never stop. And I am beginning to feel a little desiccated. I guess its inevitable… all that flowing water leaves me feeling like a desert. My eyes have become sunken, my cheeks too. I pass a mirror and see Cleopatra’s mummy… all dark hair and big, staring eyes.

The tethers of my old life are snapping like high-voltage guy wires in a tornado.
The cobwebs of my new life are as yet so tenuous and fragile.

And when I let the tears take me for a ride, let insecurity and doubt have the wheel for a while, the thoughts that keep revolving like tires on endless miles of blacktop are:

What am I doing?
What have I done?

~ kei
27 August 2012