Aside

So-o-o…

Spammers have reached a whole new low. One would have thought that lower than a snake’s balls in a wagon rut would be the lowest but no.
This AM, I received an email from a friend who died from brain cancer two years ago.
Fuck you Hackers and may the fleas of a 1000 gorillas infest your hairy bits.

While I’m on that…

Ladies, you aren’t going to get anywhere with me if your email subject line begins with “Desperate For..”, “Hungry For…” or “I’ll Keep U Up All Night”.
I really like a woman who can spell if we’re going to get up to some Pat-A-Cake and if you’re desperate… there are apps for that.

Just sayin’…

~ kei
5 September 2016

Plot Outline ~ Episode 4 ~ The Shit Hits The Fan

Based entirely on the machinations of Desperate Douchebags of the Valley:

Watch in horror as the character we all love to hate Catty McNasty befriends the naive and unsuspecting – well, she did suspect in season three but that was covered in the season’s finale – Kari TrustYourGutbberg. Deftly worming her way into Kari’s world, borrowing household items, staying at Kari’s home, Catty hides her true colours for a time.

After several years of friendship in a wider circle of other blissfully unaware friends and acquaintances, Kari’s world explodes leaving her bereft, terrified of leaving her home and suicidal. Reaching for her friends in these hours of greatest need, Kari is puzzled and later profoundly hurt by the resounding silence from her circle of support. Efforts to connect are rebuffed, including a spectacularly rude rejection from Catty when Kari offers help via an email.

Pieces fall in to place over time as it’s revealed that her “friend” has been entertaining Kari’s  former spouse, all the while never offering a word of support or concern – let alone offering a meal or movie to her! Suspicion grows in Kari’s normally empathetic and trusting heart as taunting photos appear on Catty’s social media of activities that Kari knows her spouse is doing. Meanwhile, what the world doesn’t know is that Kari and Rocque still speak on respectful terms and Kari is not afraid to ask him the tough questions. The last straw is seeing Catty trying to insinuate herself into the lives of Kari’s children – the line has been crossed but more evidence of Catty’s lack of any shred of human decency is yet to come…

In the explosive finale, Kari learns that not only did Catty try to move into Kari’s home, family and bed – before it even had a chance to cool – her most disgusting and desperate move has been to initiate a smear campaign against Kari. It is with complete shock, dismay and nausea that Kari learns the depth of Catty’s depravity… little wonder so many of Kari’s friends turned their backs! Kari has been “shacked up with another guy”. Oddly, not a single person knows this, including Kari or said (silent, invisible, fictitious) guy. Poor Kari already wounded, gun shy and lonely, checks with her true friends and family and they verify that no, she isn’t living with anyone, not in a fugue state and not with TV amnesia to boost ratings. In fact, Kari would have to Google “guy”, “man”, “fella” to be sure what one is!!

It all becomes clear after a chance meeting and Kari, heart broken by the betrayal but finally vindicated, feels she can now begin to reclaim her life.

Tune in next week to watch the fallout from these revelations. Will Catty finally be hit by the Karma bus? Does anyone know how a chance remark about her selfish nature, bizarre jealousies and desperate clinginess has given Kari hope? Will the other women in The Valley wake up to the shark in their goldfish bowl?

Stay tuned for the following messages from our sponsor Tide has Turned.

10 May 2015
~ kei

“Don’t try to screw up someone else’ life with a lie when yours can be screwed with the truth” ~ unknown

And really, really… don’t screw with a writer.

St. Hallmark Day ~ Third Annual Massacre

Some Tongue In Very Cheeky Thoughts

Once again, St. Hallmark Day is almost upon us. Once again I’ll inflict that time-honoured  tradition that I started doing on Facebook several years ago.

Look out Cupid! The Valentine’s Evisceration is set to begin.

~~~~~

Basically, I’ve always felt that Valentine’s Day is an utter travesty and in my first St. Hallmark Day post on WordPress, I mention why. How St. Valentine’s Day came to be associated with chocolate, carats and tawdry Walmart lingerie is beyond me and my thought from then stands:

“Well, lets just say if you’re gonna give me gas station flowers and a Happy Birthday  Valentines day card. Please. Don’t bother. Now, if you want to bring home Thai and give me a foot rub on April 18th or October 12th, for no damn reason at all, THAT’s meaningful.”

~~~~~

And please none of those idiotic ‘Singles Awareness Day’ posts. For the love of whatever deity!! Don’t shit all over someone else’ thing just because you don’t have it (same goes for single mothers/ fathers who post snarky crap on Mothers Day/Fathers Day. You get your day, don’t shit on someone else’) It’s as juvenile as being mad that someone has a jag and you take the bus. Put on your grown up undies. Three hundred sixty-four days of the year, Singles are desperate to shed the title, then suddenly they want to ruin it for Couples…?

I weep for the future of Humanity.

~~~~~

So Cupid… What the freakin’ hell man?!

I know that you probably have some issues, coming from a broken home and all. As the son of the love goddess Venus and the war god Mars, I bet things got a little intense with Mum and Daddy but that’s no reason to take it out on humans for all eternity! That last one that you darted for me? That should have been a blow gun… Next time, leave it in the hands of the experts or I’ll be speaking to your Grandpappy and I’ll bet you don’t want to be grounded by Jupiter.

Crazed Cupid, Valentine, Funny

I stumbled on this video a long while back and I swear my last Vile-en-tine starred!! Always loved Carly Simon and even more so after watching this.

And to cap it off, one for the boys. I know you’re often left bewildered by the appearance of evil pod women who steal your normally sane partners on every 14 February. Take heart and start leaving the same kind of hints she does because 14 March is right round the corner!

Petites Pensées ~ Boys…

This dating thing would be so much more intriguing if all the men I see didn’t have more issues than hair… More belly than fire… More relaxed fit jeans than button-fly Levis… More Wife than let’s go to Belize…

~ kei

5 December 2015

Meanwhile, Back At The Internet Café

I wrote this at the height of the “Gaslighting” phase of my two-year relationship with a Narcissist Predator. It’s really strange to go back and read my poetry and short stories from the period. Such highs! Such lows… So much love and romance but also black despair and suicidal tendencies. Scrolling through my journals, I found this draft and smiled a little. It is a sarcastic satirical and black-humoured piece. I was trying to cope with the assemblage of hoydens he’d gathered by writing about them the way he talked about them – never could figure why they just kept on lurking despite his insistence that “they were stalkers, knew he was engaged, were jealous of me”… Anyywaayy…
What I see now is the inkling of my comprehension of the pattern, how Apaths of varying degrees fit in to my story, lending credence, alibis or window-dressing as he required. Truly amazing, the effort he expended to keep me fooled or manipulate me to do certain things (my favourite was “Baby, would you comment more on my blog? People love to see us as a real couple, not just our books”) The funniest part is that “The Ladies” written about here are indeed real people, unlike some of the ones he created. Bruce Jenner had nothing on my poet! And I can actually smile, if ruefully at that today.

~~~~~

When I look back on how it all went down, I see it as if I was in a horror movie, a very bad, B-grade horror movie.

You know the ones, where you’re in a normal place, doing regular things and you look up to see that everything has gone to black and white. What you thought were people have all morphed into scary doll creatures or zombies and they’ve all turned to stare at you. Meanwhile, bit players drop in and out, talking to the zombie vampire people, buying their coffees, talking and laughing and totally oblivious to the fact that we are now all in a Hammer Film production. You look at this and wonder, like I still do; how can they not see the evil intent? How can they not know that those smiling mouths are full of lies and those pious old gals, gardening grannies and wholesome looking farmers’ daughter types are all bent on messing with lives out of unbridled jealousy and hatred and for their own twisted amusement? You want to yell, “Don’t open the door!” to the protagonist but… it’s you.

All of that came later though. When I first stumbled across it, the cafe was a fun place to be, good eats, good coffee and the owner had a smile and a poem for everyone. It was easy to see that the regulars at the banquette table at the back were indulging in some pretty serious geriatric flirting with the Café owner. He took it good naturedly, and it was nice to see that even those who could barely spell; always received a kind word of encouragement. There were no signs of the undercurrents of crazy when everyone connected to this story first met. Actually, in a Stepford Wives way, the regulars welcomed newcomers in.
That’s how I first became acquainted with them. The Ladies. Or as I later came to think of them: The Post Menopausal & Poseur Poetaster Club, of the Internet Poetry Café.
I like alliteration. Deal with it.

You remember how it was, right? Lots of laughs, inspiration and folks coming and going at all hours, The Ladies gathered at their table; Hist’mina Munchhausen Fibthorne – “Wheezy” to her friends, Maia Witless Artesian, Guerensy Rime Mooerson and Cheri Del’Usional Aprils. All chatting it up with the cafe owner, smiles, moues, coy glances and “What do you think of my stories?” “Can you help me with this sonnet?”

Who ever would have guessed that such ordinary looking grannies, could harbour thoughts worthy of “Arsenic and Old Lace”, not to mention a healthy dose of “Fatal Attraction?” Fitting analogy that. A tale of sinister plots, deceptive old dolls and a plot twist: married and attached gals who would lie, cheat and write their own men out of the script for a chance to get into the handsome Café owner’s pants.

I never would have guessed, naive I suppose. I saw a nice place to stop in to, my battered journals in hand and to share some thoughts with the regulars, The Ladies of the Banquette. Mentors, right? That’s what I was thinking at first.

Monsters, more like.

More like indeed! Like attracts like doesn’t it? As the Café grew in popularity, newcomers joined the original self-appointed harem.  Des DoubledipmyBunn and Anglésa BlueWindyChapeau decided to write themselves in. Fortunately, the Café owner was more a fan of Albert Camus than Archie comics.

Then there was me. Quietly observing, scribbling away as I always had . How could I know that the Café owner would take an interest in my stories? Who ever would have thought that this would so stir the ire of The Ladies and later, their minions? Not me. That’s for damn sure. I walked in there like a lamb to slaughter, they had their poisoned pens aimed and the hot flashes got hotter.

But that’s another story for another day…

~ kei
2013 sometime…

Aside

So…

When you say that you haven’t had sex in three years and you’re trying to get into a gal’s pants; it’s important to be specific. If you mean that you haven’t had sex with gnus in three years, or wildebeest or Peruvian wombats; please do make that distinction.
Whatever it is that you HAVEN’T had sex with.

Because…

Like your girlfriend – and the other one – your flings round the world, your wife and every other normal average woman; we assume that when you are making that statement to US, that you mean you haven’t had and aren’t continuing to have, sex with another woman!

Crazy right?!

I know MY response would have been significantly different. I would have you double bag that thing. Yup. Cut the fingers off a Playtex glove and get that covered wouldja?

Well I’m off to the clinic.

Turrah!

~ kei
7 December 2014