The Challenge

The year just past presented more challenges to me than I could have anticipated; undoubtably for many of you too. If I’m being totally upfront, the last eight years have been tough, sometimes beyond my innate strengths and I’ve had to find and use new tools and skills to cope.

As I emerged from that and into the crazy landscape of Covid-19 World, there were several opportunities to look closely at my life, how I must live it now and the people who are in it. The new knowledge I’d gained gave me a clearer lens to view some relationships and to understand their impact on my ability to still learn, grow and perhaps even flourish in this weird world; one that continues on into 2021!

One of the hardest things that I had to deal with didn’t have a name, it was simply a feeling of not wanting to be around or talk to some people. This wasn’t a return or lingering of the profound Agoraphobia that I lived through. This feeling is not exactly new either, I’ve simply buried my reactions to some of these folks and avoid them. As it turns out, what I’ve been dealing with isn’t uncommon and it’s called “Toxic Positivity”.

I won’t faff on as I have a link here to share that although lengthy, is excellent at describing what TP is and the effect that it has on  people who are subjected to it. I will say that as a person living with M.E. and having gone through a separation from my partner of nearly 30 years, the amount of TP – not the kind you stash when your Province is in Covid Lockdown – is significant. Sometimes, it seems benign but in truth it’s left me feeling misunderstood, sad and sometimes angry. To me, it shows a profound lack of empathy.

It’s 100% okay to not always be okay. It’s okay to be sad about a huge change in one’s circumstances. It’s not okay for someone to minimize your pain or loss with platitudes. A person in pain wants to be heard not preached at.

Excellent article. Give it a read.

Toxic Positivity: Why Positive Vibes are Ruining You

Disconnected in December

Is it just me?

I’m feeling a little displaced… like I woke up in the wrong decade
Forget that it’s been a shite year… not just for me but for the world

I love this season. I am grateful but… I feel so… untethered
I miss my family… we’ve become the Four Solitudes

Boxes of ornaments are shelved like reliquaries
No point getting them out… we’re locked down again

I’m listening to carols and daydreaming about Christmas Past
Lying under my parent’s tree, holding hands with a brown-eyed boy

That moment of perfection is caught in the corner of my own eye
Blurring the edges of this unkempt living room… it’s all good

My view has softened from the harsh reality of a Covid Christmas
To a Christmas long ago when the world really was magic. the possibilities were endless and alone was unthinkable, unimaginable in that perfect moment.

Slipping out of view, slipping down my cheek…

~ kei
22 December 2020

December

As this bizarre year closes, I find myself back to WordPress, recalling times when I couldn’t go a full day without writing something, let alone three years.

To be fair, real life became more complex. To be honest, The Muse disappeared and left nothing… NOTHING… in their wake.

Write what you know.

I started this year thinking that perhaps, this would be the one where I’d stumble across another “My Person”. There’d be no more single events and holidays. I’m ready for that. Did the work. Learned the lessons. Dropped the Narc guard – actually, that’s a fib and there was a low-key Narc not long ago and thank god that I paid attention to the red flags.

Anyway.

I’m here. I’m whole and okay but… I miss the spark. I miss being someone’s one-and-only. I miss passion and exploring and learning together. There is no one that lights me up enough to invest more than a few dates and so… little to no writing inspiration.

So. Maybe I’ll hang out here a little more. Read about what that kind of love looked – looks – like. Maybe 2020 will close with me still on my own but I’m hopeful. I’m happy and each day of this bizarre year has brought me back a little to the open-hearted woman I once was.

I hope all of you, those who may still wander by here, have found a blessing or a spark to bring joy to your soul during these past, very difficult months.

Take care Pressies.

~ kei

11 December 2020

Insomnia

Odd, given all that goes on in my life, I rarely suffer with insomnia.
Tonight is one of those rare nights.

For whatever bizarre reason, I can not get this out of my head.
It’s that; indifference is like a murder weapon when used against an Empath…
It’s not as though I spend waking thoughts on this… but once in a while… tonight… my brain is wracked with questions that just shouldn’t matter.

Who cares? Let it go. Did I do something wrong? Am I that forgettable? Did I, do I hold you, us, that time with all it’s raging passion – in all things in some weird, undeserved esteem? Was it wrong, bad, dumb, utterly misguided to believe it should have evolved?
The questions that I know intellectually just should not matter, gain some sort of supernatural power at night… my brain won’t shut down. No amount of rational thinking, Zen techniques, calming mantras works…

This indifference cuts so deep into my soul, freezing and shattering my memories, my self-worth, my perception of place in my own life story… I want it to stop. It makes me angry that someone who can make me nothing in their mind has this much power over my subconscious… enough to have me awake in the Witching Hour banging out these hopeless, hurt and profoundly foreign thoughts.

Your indifference challenges everything I think and believe about me; about my intelligence, humour, wit, warmth. In this moment, I feel like they are nothing, that the striving meant nothing because there was a goal, to be something that you would value as part of your life. That the breaking apart would be a time to learn and then grow back together in a place of balance, not a place where I felt like less. Yet, here I am… feeling just that. I don’t know how to deal with this thought process that won’t just stop. I don’t want to waste another moment on a lost cause. Something in my head though, wants so badly to know why and something in my heart dies a little every time I realize that you just don’t care.

It may be the ugliest, loneliest realization that I’ve ever known…

~ keib, 4:07am, 11 December 2020

Get Out Of My Head

Will you come to me tonight
You were right, it’s what I want
Let’s drive along the Parkway
We’ll revisit our old haunts

Lets shelter under the willow
Where no prying eyes can see
My body’s aching for your touch
Unwrap yourself for me

Your lips are benediction
As you bend your mouth to mine
Kisses that are sweetened
With experience and time

Share the lessons not forgotten
Held in check until you came
Every secret, searing memory
Is sparked to fiery life again

And now our bodies crash together
Truth speaks in sweat and seed
Time reveals we are a diamond
Unwrap yourself for me

~ Kei
27 May 2015, reworked 29 September 2018

I’ll Fight You

do unto others…

the golden rule is sadly tarnished

rules of engagement

more like

ignored so hard, I’m bleeding inside

i retreat, regroup, rethink

how can two people who once loved so deeply

not even be able to speak?

is this your strategy? is this how you do unto me?

I try that weapon, the blade turns

slicing at what’s left of my heart

betrayed at night by the enemy within

a traitor subconscious

dreaming a language that was ours alone

skin to skin, soul to soul

the code i know you know

something in me won’t let that go

do unto others…

I’ll fight your silence forever

to save my illusions of you

~ kei
26 May 2018

Unguarded

The thought caught me by surprise
Was it a sign of weakness?
Have you ever had one of those moments?

Well, not weakness so much as a surfacing
A loosening and a flowing
And the feeling that I thought was weakness

Started to taste more like desire
How I remember that flavour anyway
It’s the memory of how my name sounds

When it’s spoken from your lips

20 September 2017
~ kei

Solstice Shining

Always June, you have the power to entice the tiny diamond hidden deep within my core

Exerting pressure with a breeze or the kiss of rain on my cheek

Slowly June, you cajole memory upon emotion upon young woman’s dreams to shine

Polishing away the rough surfaces of subsequent years, disappoints and fears

Beautiful June, faceting my hopes and dreams with brilliance and clarity

Restoring once again clarity to my heart and brilliance to my soul

~ kei
04 June 2017

Hello WordPressians!

I am alive and thriving; busy and happy.

Gypsy and I are the best of friends now and she makes me smile everyday.

My pen is still as I focus on the other “artsy” things that I do and all that other boring stuff; working, house maintenance, family stuff, my daughter’s wedding…

I hope this message finds all of you happy, healthy and filling bandwidth with beautiful words and thoughts.

Cheers All! ❤

~ kei

12 May 2017