Silence Scalpel Sharp

Some of the thoughts that kept me up last night are the hardest for me to wrap my head around:

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How is it possible to become invisible to a person who once loved you beyond reason?

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Finally understanding that someone would rather hurt you than be polite and that a person who you thought knew you inside and out is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing

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That some people use shunning as a form of expression, telling themselves and others that they are the victim. They use silence to control the other person while denying they are the problem. They use passive aggressive punishment because of their own perceived demands by the other person

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Being ignored causes a pain that the body perceives as physical – fact

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I’d rather be hurt quick and clean with a truth than suffer the phantom limb of lost self-esteem and questions for a lifetime

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The only thing ignoring a person conveys is that you are too immature / frightened / calloused to behave decently. How cold can one be to know that your victim is suffering but feel justified to do nothing about it and go on simply ignoring it?

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The ‘Silent Treatment’ is a mind game and it is abusive

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I find it hard to let go if I’ve been led to believe one thing, even if I’m being shown another. I will give someone the benefit of the doubt to my own detriment. I will continue to reach out, to treat them with some version of the former friendship or regard because that is what caring people do. The one trait that I value highly in myself is my empathy and I won’t allow another’s cruelty or rude behaviour stop me from being who I am. If my intentions are perceived as weakness or neediness I can only remind myself that it takes courage and strength to reach out despite my misgivings. Why? Because I know that perceptions can only be changed when people communicate

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We’ve probably all done it or been subject to it. ‘The Silent Treatment’ is a schoolyard tactic and most of us know how quickly the shunned will fall in line. Why though, do adults choose to do this? I’m mystified that in this age that lauds communication, where people are constantly raging about lack of honesty in relationships and whingeing about decency in general; some people still fall back on acting like a bully to make a point or  to get what they want.

~ kei
29 February 2016
(I’m fine, just stringing together some old and recurring thoughts. K~xx)

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22 thoughts on “Silence Scalpel Sharp

  1. Your post resonates keenly with me. I too am one who will continue to reach out because it is in my nature to do so, to give the benefit of the doubt, understanding. And like you would rather be that person who does get wounded but is still deeply alive and feeling. Hugs to you.

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  2. I get a lot of what you’re saying and I, too, remind myself a lot that it is the strong person whose heart remains soft. It’s hard though, because I don’t want to be naive, but I’ve realized being loving is honest. I know I might get hurt but staying true to myself means I will keep reaching out. Hugs!

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  3. “Silence Scalpel Sharp” Love you title says so much. Silent treatment comes from people that are hurt but not in all instant but in your instant it is so. Reaching out shows maturity and hopefully with time someone will relinquish their silence and discover the truth.

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    • I hope so Joseph. I know from previous experience the depth of uncertainty that a friend or lover’s silence can create. It’s a terrible weapon to use when words will suffice and leave both people less wounded. K~xx

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      • Yes it is and what silence can create that words would only bridge a misunderstanding. When someone gives the silent treatment to me it is psychological in nature and lacking of maturity and if they get other people on board then the other people should question and not believe said person

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  4. I know that in a relationship I need space to work things out on my own and depending on how heavy that problem or situation is the deeper I am in myself. But to purposefully hurt someone through silence … no
    That is playing power games and as much as I love to play and have fun I don’t play those games I so hate being played with also.

    Either you are with that person or you are not , there is no in between.

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  5. My favorite lines:

    I’d rather be hurt quick and clean with a truth than suffer the phantom limb of lost self-esteem and questions for a lifetime

    I truly relate to this line and everything you expressed.

    The truth hurts is to hear, but we rather hear it right away than hear it later on.

    Good writing poetry. 🙂

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  6. To be honest with another, we first need to be honest with ourselves. The passive-aggressive behavior is a weakness of character when used as an m.o. Control through manipulation. For me it meant the end of my marriage, when he could not face me, even when I asked directly if he hated me. Love does not ignore. I’m sorry to hear this has been going on for you.
    Many hugs and (motherly) kisses too!

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  7. There are times when I have felt what you’re feeling in this post. Not responding to anothers’ pain is a trait of a psychopath and I like to think I can identify that in a person. (I’m not a psychologist though and one could get past me) . Other times, what hurt was how I saw the situation from my belief in how I would have responded to someone in my emotional position but that level of empathy isn’t as common as I like to believe. Some people don’t have the ability to see beyond their own situation or they simply are incapable of that level of compassion, even though they say that they are. If I’m deep in those hurt feelings, it’s so much easier to think they know what they did. I can’t seem to anchor myself there though, even though I would love to. To believe that, they would have to be cruel. Maybe they are. Maybe they just don’t care enough. Communicating through that kind of pain takes placing yourself in their mercy and then they have to be willing to handle your judgement about them until you get through it. Both sides takes real guts. Not everyone has real guts at the same time. I find it to be rare even in myself. I might have gone off the deep end here because I just went through something where I had to have guts and approach a painful subject. He wasn’t trying to ignore or hurt me but my . I just feelings could have gone there had he not been approachable and open to communicating.
    I’m just sharing how I get – try to get past the pain with the questions you have. I also love that 2nd Agreement of the 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz –
    Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
    Yes – that’s a hell of a lot easier to type than do when I can look at things in this way, I can understand how someone’s silence isn’t about me at all, it’s about their lack of knowing what to do or they simply aren’t deep or empathetic enough FOR ME.
    Then again, some people are just plain and simple assholes and in that case – you don’t need them in your life and you’re far better off without them. If they can’t communicate with you, the suffering is confirmation that they aren’t for you to endure. xo, J

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