Fever Dreams

~ Drifting in and out of dreams. Surrounded by a pleasant haze produced from fever, flu medications and steaming oolong tea ~ I’ve had a severe flu for three days now. Words, ideas, images come and go too quickly for my pen. Slightly better today. Awake; at least for now ~

Why hurt the heart of another in the guise of protecting your own? At least, I think that’s what it is.

“Most souls labor under a self imposed curse of desiring but never truly giving themselves over to love.”
~ Michael Xavier


“Now I know what a ghost is. Unfinished business, that’s what.”
~ Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

I’m haunted by the ghost of a man that never was. The business between us goes on and on…

“In one aspect, yes, I believe in ghosts, but we create them. We haunt ourselves.”
~ Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

When I’m this sick, I look like one of those big-eyed girl dolls. Bradley doll? All eyes and oddly pale, smooth skin. With laugh lines. Ha! The irony. I watch my face morph back and forth between its used-to-be-girl and its can-grandma-be-far-off variations.

Audiobooks are the library faeries gift to the formerly voracious and now overwhelmed by life reader.

“Every sickness has an alien quality, a feeling of invasion and loss of control that is evident in the language we use about it.”
~ Siri Hustvedt, The Shaking Woman, or A History of My Nerves

Alien and weird… I talk to myself anyway but when I’m this sick, my voice is about five years old. Doesn’t want soup, doesn’t want crackers, doesn’t want boogers. Most definitely wants Mummy and teddy. I feel both relieved and utterly ridiculous that my panda teddy is still sitting on the guest bed, post unpacking. I get up very sheepishly but totally psyched out by thoughts that you’re there and retrieve him to sleep with me at around three AM. What terrifies me – well, I was only terrified in the wee hours and because I’ve watched 23 hours of cheesy horror movies – is that I’m not really mad at you anymore and that the thought of you near, changed – cleansed, purified, remorseful and loving as you said you were – is in fact, something of a comfort. When I’m not still mad.

Ghost Writer M Xavier

Is it wrong to have consumed only a litre of eggnog and the remainder of the Hershey Chocolate bells in the last couple days?

Reading, reading, napping, reading.

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
~ Albert Camus

I’ve become far too introverted, suspicious and fond of my own space – anyone would after what I went through – to give a flying fuck if I stay here alone for the rest of my life.


Bwa-hahahaha! I think that might even be a thing after my mention about teddy.

People who lean on logic and philosophy and rational exposition end by starving the best part of the mind.
~ William Butler Yeats

I can barely move but I’m now out of cold meds… so, maybe sometimes it would be nice to have someone here. To make more tea, lots more.

I hate that flu makes me feel weak and that it took like, four hours to write a few incoherent sentences but… I like that my thoughts can slip the leash once in a while too.

~ kei
29 December 2014

Rebellion Spellering M Xavier

Yup. Can’t say I’m not all that and a pinch of angst…

8 thoughts on “Fever Dreams

    • Thank you Dear Elephant. The fever convinced me I could make brilliance out of my reading inspiration; rather like tequila convinces some they can dance. Much better after finally sleeping last night and giggling at the thought of an elephant sneezing. It would have been a close competition, smiles.


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