More From Grade Seven

I confess to having a wee crush on my grade seven English teacher (who is still very much alive and now a principal at an Elementary school in my neighbourhood and consequently, shall remain nameless).

Initially had a “girl crush”.

Unfortunately, it would seem that her interest in one of our gym teachers (who shall also remain nameless but by way of describing his comb over ‘fro, shall be known to some) was of greater import than nurturing fledgling writers. In fairness, I was still planning a career as a ballerina and so Mrs. … err… “X”, could be forgiven her oversight, though not her taste in paramours.

Writing has gone through many changes in what is and what is not correct. I have experience in Business, Medical and Technical writing and all embrace different sets of “rules”.

I hate rules. This is a lifelong affliction with me (ask my parents or kids) and if you are a lover of rules, please do feel free to bugger off now.

No rules are tolerated here. Writing for personal enjoyment and in particular writing fiction, is an intensely personal thing and quite frankly, as an adult-type person (or so I’m told) I henceforth and forthwith, declare a moratorium on all rules of spellering and grammatification on any of my blogs.  Ever. Ad Infinitum. Until I’m discovered. By Stephen King. We shall commiserate about rules and collaborate on horrificly, harrowing, horror stories.

With a lot of alliteration. Because… fuck the rules.

Back to grade seven. Mrs. R, gave me a B- on a project that in my opinion, contained some of my better stories. I’ve been writing stories since I was… umm… around five years old I think. I have some illustrated books I made (thanks Mum!) from about that time. I threw my pre-teen heart and soul into the stories that were to reflect the project theme: Oceans and Seas (in the last half hour before I had to hand it in) and expected that Mrs. “X” would be pleased, if not impressed.

Quite frankly, I’ve never recovered from that B-. (Only a little facetious)

I hated school by that time; was bullied by boys and girls alike and having made the effort to impress someone who I saw as a kindred spirit, was crushed utterly by that “B”. The “B” incidentally, had nothing to do with grammar but with my half-arsed effort at creating maps. All I can say to that is “Hell yeah, GPS!! My imagination far outweighed my writing skills at the time but I still rather like this particular piece about meeting the Loch Ness Monster. Said meeting has not yet occurred but Scotland is still on  my bucket list.

Without further ado, obfuscation, innuendo, oblique, sarcastic rhetoric, extraneous verbosity, et al: Here is (in its entirety and unedited edition), “The Creature Of Loch Ness”


I was standing on the edge of Lochness in Scotland. All at once to my surprise a monster rose up out of the water and looked at me with his big, green eyes.
“Sir”, I said, quite unaware he was the Lochness monster, “Do you know of any large sea animals that go around Lochness eating fair maidens”?
The ugly creature answered quite plainly and clearly and he said the only animal he new (sic) of was his cousin Herman in Philadelphia. “He has a habit of eating fair maidens when he comes here. After I’m mistaken for him and blamed for his atrocious table manners.”
By now a large crowd had gathered and they to began to question my friend. Little children plunged into the water to play with him. He used his tail as a slide and he could ride twelve children on his back. People stared in amazement, and then they swam into the water to play.
In a few months tourists started pouring in to see the “super, collosal, giant Lochness Monster”. It was quite a show.
The Lochness turned into a beach, all because I had discovered television’s favourite talk show celebrity, Mr. Monster!
I was – pardon me – we were, just packing our bags to go to Paris, when I woke up… and to my surprise, looked up at a monster with big, green eyes.

© K. Tupper, Grade 7, English project composition from “The Wondrous Sea”


2 thoughts on “More From Grade Seven

  1. Hmm.
    Speaking as a Scot, and a friend, that was pretty awful!
    You have improved, a bit, in the intervening years.
    Your intro was, as ever, highly amusing.
    But AnElephantCant condonificate the ignorifusion of rools and regularitisations grammaticallously or otherwobbles.


    • If I ever become Prime Minister, I shall have one rule only and that will be: all Canadian men, regardless of family background shall be required to wear a kilt on one day of every year. This will make my Scots ancestors and all my girlfriends very happy and ensure a long run in Parliament.
      As to the rules of writing well… I shan’t be using irregardless or everytime any time soon but will continue to make liberal use of adjectives and alliteration because… you know why 😉


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