The Making Of Apaths

ap·a·thy
noun \ˈa-pə-thē\: the feeling of not having much emotion or interest : an apathetic state

Full Definition of APATHY
1
:  lack of feeling or emotion :  impassiveness
2
:  lack of interest or concern :  indifference
See apathy defined for English-language learners »
See apathy defined for kids »
Examples of APATHY
People have shown surprising apathy toward these important social problems.
I’m not Gay / Black / Red / Female why should I care?

The term “Apath” has evolved to describe the people surrounding a Narcissist who deliberately or benignly turn a blind eye to the characteristics, activities and victims of the Narcissist, or simply sit back and allow it. “Not my problem”, “Not hurting me”, “But he writes so beautifully!”, “He/She was just wrong for her/him, I’m the one he needs”, “Who cares?”, “I don’t want to get involved”

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Having emerged from an abusive relationship, I can see more clearly how my life and my self were deconstructed to the point where it was possible for a predator to take over. One part of the story was my short time as being simply an Apath during the devalue, discard,  and smear of one of the previous targets of the Narc.

With the knowledge I’ve gained since February, when the “relationship” ended permanently with me telling the Poetical Predator that we were finished and implementing “No Contact” (before I was aware that this is both a tool and a coping strategy); I admit at times feeling a little guilt that I was once the type of person who so infuriates me now. Apaths are the adoring audience that a Narcissist surrounds him/herself (for the purpose of clarity and because this is my story and my carpal tunnel, this Narc was male and all pronouns in my writing will reflect that fact going forward). Apaths can be involved with the Narc to varying degrees, sometimes they only see the public face and therefore, have no reason to question or involve themselves when a drama erupts around the Narc. Others, like me, are in fact being evaluated for our potential as the next “Target”. The Narc was textbook in his approach with me, unfortunate that they don’t make that book available in Social Studies or Psych 101.

A friendship that developed over time, the gradual inclusion in my Social Media, where he promptly began data-mining for the “Mirroring” phase (add water and presto! You’re an indian who loves wolves, Thai, vintage cars and purple). The private communications that began innocently enough. It’s easy for anyone to see that I am compassionate, empathetic and a good listener. We talked about his troubles with children, an in law, PTSD from military service; even requests for “womanly” advice about his daughter and help with recipes! All meant to be disarming. Then the more intimate sharing of past marital disputes, spousal infidelity, his enforced celibacy and dating issues associated with his being online. I had no way of knowing that virtually all of this had zero basis in reality. Zero. ALL of it. I only saw the online persona at that time. It never clicked that in all his “troubles”, he was always the victim.

In those early days, he was actively devaluing and demonizing – my Narc couldn’t stop at just devaluing – a woman who I now suspect may be his first online victim. She was an easy target. Loving, older, single for a long time. He would encourage her publicly and then precipitously ban or block her from the public forum where we’d met. She’d be back again within a couple of weeks. As an observer of people, I noted the trend after a while. It became more evident once he and I connected as “friends” on the Facebook platform. By then, he’d begun to use the terms “stalker” and “stalking” when he spoke about her. In fairness, the behaviours I could see supported his comments. I believe now that there was much behind the scenes orchestration of that. After all, performance art is a Narc’s existence. I could not see the other side and herein lies my point: I bought it based on what I could see.

Narc was adept at weaving tales and particularly skilled at portraying people here online as bat shit crazy. There’s a LOT of you, LOL! By the time it was no longer necessary to smear this one woman, ostensibly because he’d created several other “enemies”, real women and accounts he created, he had not one, not two, but three restraining orders against her. I wonder if she knows? By that time, he had enlisted my support as a “protector” of sorts. Blocking this woman, not allowing her onto my public Facebook page (because she “stalked” him there – the evidence of those days is there yet) and as a Manager Admin on his Facebook page, keeping her and an ever-growing group of women blocked – AT HIS REQUEST. “Baby, can you keep an eye on her? My daughter says she’s posting about me again.” This is the same time he began laying the groundwork for having me remove much of my online presence, since reestablished. Why yes. Yes I do have evidence to support what I’m saying.

I was a very good Apath. First Lieutenant Apath. It never occurred to me to question because he manipulated this woman to support the stories he told me. Her piteous poems of their dates, her dreams for their future, his stories about her parked outside his home and pursuing Facebook relationships with his children and family; all served to make her look crazy. Why couldn’t she just let it go? Why didn’t she just leave him be when there was a restraining order against her. I certainly wasn’t going to engage with her by asking the questions. Who knew what might set her off. Right? If I’d asked, just once; my life might be very different now. I chose to believe the poor, beleaguered poet because I was” the only one who understood”, “his best friend”. In reality, his best and longest lasting “Supply”.

It wasn’t long before the “love-bombing” began. He professed his love on 11 November 2011 and the “romantic” chapter of the saga began.

But that’s another story for another day.

~ kei

24 August 2014

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This site and the wonderful, compassionate woman who Admins there, saved my sanity. If you suspect you or someone you love is involved with a Narcissist Predator, her site and those that she recommends can provide a wealth of education, healing and most important for this little known and often minimized type of abuse; belief, understanding and support.

 Let Me Reach here on WordPress.

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10 thoughts on “The Making Of Apaths

  1. It is so insidious, K, and so apparently loving and well-meant, that we all too often miss the clues when we COULD do anything about it; I know I did – and I consider myself to be reasonably perceptive and intelligent. But, as you point out, the mirroring is so accurate and clever, tailored to the individual, that no amount of intelligence or perception is going to make a blind bit of difference.
    I am very glad that NPD is now being talked about on line; that bloggers are having the courage to come forward and tell their tales, share the symptoms, face the truth.
    Part of the problem, as I know from my own experience, is that Narcs are almost impossible to treat – because it is all someone else’s problem/fault/f***ed-up mind. They sabotage any kind of counselling and cannot see that they are in any way shape or form wrong.
    xxx

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    • The more we speak about it, the easier this behaviour will be to recognize. Unfortunately, not in time to spare me the scorn, insults and benign indifference that I do not deserve. Even now, there are women here who believe the Poetic Predator was a great guy and that I’m crazy. He was that adept at mirroring & gaslighting (he was a master at that) even when it was only to enlist his Apath Harem. The only crazy thing would be to make these statements without evidence or corroboration from people who met him and saw what he did to me. I don’t want any one else to ever have to endure that on top of being abused. It’s the exact same as victim blaming when a rape or domestic violence occurs and it is wrong. Everything I post about Narcissist Predator Abuse includes an invitation for discussion, never a taker.

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  2. wow, is all i can say , cuz i wanna say sumpin ya know, being recently accused of being a narccisist , i have an well, now i know what it means , thats pert insane if ya ask me, yep yep, Is Evident by the extent of the story told…..my accuser a world class poet ? she was ? needs to read ur post-it and then she might have a clue what a Narc is, which is clearly NOT I,,, so sorry U have been through the same kinna abuse i have in ur past also….peace 2 U & namaste ….The hipocracy an lies I have allowed myself to be victim to for too very long, opened my eyes here U have thanQ 🙂 ……….

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    • The internet was always a crazy place and it’s just given more ways to mess people up to the Narcissists (and other criminals). People need to be aware and not ignore the red flags. I sure hope I can help someone else avoid this.
      Thanks and take care.

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  3. Your story, although, so articulately written, has a common theme to many sites i have been on. Sites that victims have shared their personal stories on. Stories of these clone like individuals behaviour. They are indeed masters and are not attracted to individuals like themselves (aside from observing whilst game playing in order to learn or amuse themselves) for partners as they cannot easily manipulate and control them. They are simply attracted to those that are of genuine intention; with an open heart, even if a little damaged from other narcs we have been exposed to, but were still previously unaware of their true stance and impact on ourselves and others. Narcs are masters of deception indeed. Every detail of their performance playing a part in our capture, that leads to such devotion. We “fight for them”, for all that have “wronged them” before we love them, due to their deceptive mastery and continue to give of ourselves completely. We give our sanity and total devotion, as we continue to believe their deception/manipulation and even “fight ourselves” for them.
    I am ever thankful these experiences and so, such insights, are being shared. As any true victims know these to be truth, when they hear these tales; as their sense of sanity begins to flicker a return. Further research and support is needed by those who truly understand. If you have healthy boundaries and no past history of abuse, there is a good chance you cannot relate to the “normalcy” that is life with a narc. And unless you simply support and do not judge these victims; cannot help them. The internal conflict that ensues for any victim, both with and for quite some time after a Narc relationship is truly over..Nothing in the relationship is normal or healthy. Nothing about the break up is either. Thanks again for reminding those of us that our core/gut beliefs are real, our sanity need not be questioned, just a little help reinforcing our correct course away from the Narcs and so instil healthy boundaries to avoid others; as we know better. We need help to re trust our instincts and remove our guilt and let go to help ourselves. We need help, to know in truth that we lived a fantasy and we cannot change a Narc into a truly empathic human. They can only learn, collect and refine their skills/tactics and perfect their performance, according to their newly inspired/required roles; until it’s time to move on and change again.
    Posts like this give victims the help and strength needed to initially survive until they can begin to thrive and in turn become a source of inspiration for others. Bless you and may you find the comfort and support/guidance for your continued journey that you provide others 💞

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    • Knowledge is power. THIS post is somewhat akin to a “red flags – how not to be lured in by a narc” manual. And helpful for a “DOH!” “totally missed that as i was being reeled in.” And understanding that even afterwards there’s nothing to hold on to. They are simply playing reruns of their life story for the world to see and gathering “players” for the next episode. Wanna continue to add to the drama or time to cut your losses and run for your sanity’s sake and any chance of ever having a normal peaceful, loving existence!!
      Great tool. Harder for inexperienced, non researched victims to easily recognize…a gem for others who have been or are still involved with Narcs. Its a AHA moment!

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  4. Whoa, you sure said it. It is the most understood abuse. I lived with tho 14+ years and it devastated me to the point that I didn’t know who I was, and I finally had a breakdown because of all the mind manipulation and pressure. I ran away 9 years ago and it has taken me most of those years to recover from the loss of confidence, flashbacks, anxiety, fear and memory loss. Thank you so much for sharing this great information with people who really need it.

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    • It breaks my heart that anyone has to go through this. Narcissism and how people around one get sucked in to helping him / her abuse another person must be better researched. It’s high time that professionals in the field got more training, particularly in the area of sensitivity and how the Internet is a Narc’s favourite toy for manipulating.
      I had a breakdown, mental and physical-PTSD, anxiety, loss of confidence and severe Agoraphobia – but am stronger everyday. If you haven’t already found them, I highly recommend Kim Saeed’s blog, “Let Me Reach” and Bree Bonchay’s blog “RelationshiPedia” These two ladies are brilliant, giving solid clinical information, coping strategies that work (I know personally!) and take a whole person approach to helping.
      I hope that you’ll continue to thrive and thank you for stopping by to visit and comment.
      Take good care, Karin

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