I saw and read several posts about words yesterday. I’d ventured into my Reader for the first time in months – unfortunately, just being on the Internet and WordPress in particular can still trigger me; PTSD is a lingering effect of the NPD that I was subjected to. I figure it’s better to avoid it until I feel strong and not to be a hypocrite, peering through one eye, grimacing as I hurriedly scroll through clicking an arms length “like” willy nilly to satisfy my perception that people won’t like me / will think I’m snooty, blah blah; if I don’t come by regularly. That said, I sometimes still do EXACTLY that.
Words, writing, poetry… are on my mind a lot these days and kept me up most the night last night. Yesterday was a consult for the rejigging of the cover art for my new book. The backstory behind that can be funny, sordid, embarrassing and sad by turns. I’m reclaiming this bit of myself so that at least the story – the words – that go with it will be framed in a way I can live with. A way that reflects the truth and I will tell the story here when the release date comes up, even the embarrassing bits!
So it is that words are heavy on my mind.
Most of you who visit know a little about me. None of you know all of me. I try to give a picture of myself through my words. In the early days of this blog, I eschewed the use of graphics because I wanted people to read my words – my words – not the feeling that someone else’s art conveyed.
I like to think I’m articulate and can communicate clearly in conversation, poetry even in the technical documents that I’ve written. If you asked people on the 3D side of the screen here, they’d likely tell you I’m a bit of a whiz with words – thanks Mum and Dad!
I really hate that somewhere along the line, my words have got lost. I feel as though I’ve become nothing more than a side door peep show in the circus of the Internet and I hate even more that I can attribute that feeling to someone else’s words. I know that gossip is a hot commodity and I know that WordPress is as much a popularity contest as two-year olds in tiaras but… I never dreamed it would taint my life and my words the way that it has.
Like any writer, I like to see people come and read, I thrive on it in fact. Humans need validation and kind words and comments tell me that I’ve said something that people can connect to. I look at my stats, I know you do too (don’t say you don’t!) and I find it horribly disheartening to see they frequently have bloomed in direct relation to words about me. Intellectually, I understand that when a person plants seeds of doubt or outright lies about you in a public space, there will be a lot of negative attention generated. I know for a fact by stats and investigations that this happened to me. Intellect be damned! That hurts my feelings.
I know the words that were spoken. I’ve heard them direct from source. I have been hurt by the perpetuation of lies. I did think though, that at least if folks were going to come for the perceived train wreck, they’d see my words. I hoped they’d see me as a person through my words. Clearly, if you can read one person and believe what they say, you can do same with another? That is what I believed. Just words after all… So much damage from such small things.
Sadly, I’ve learned it’s not true. My life continues to be a peep show for some. The old hangers-on, the new online dalliances… The temptation to post “move along, there’s nothing to see here”, often wants to fly off my angry fingertips.
Then I remember why I’m here.
I have words.
I have beautiful words to share. I have a wealth of life and love and learning experience that I believe has value and that I wish to share. There are people here who look past the gossip, who have open minds and see the big picture, in my words.
One of my favourite parables is about a wife who is gossiping about another woman in town. Her Rabbi hears about it and visits her, bringing with him a feather pillow.
He doesn’t mention the gossip but instead instructs her to go to the top of the hill outside town on the next windy day. She is to tear open the pillow and shake out the feathers. On her way home, she is to pick up every single feather that has been released. On the day she performs this task, the Rabbi meets her as she is coming back into town. The woman is very upset, “Rabbi, this is an impossible task, how can I possibly gather up all the feathers? They have blown and spread so far!” The Rabbi nods and says “Yes, and that is why it’s important to not talk about others. Words once loosed, cannot be taken back.”
Don’t let your words be weapons. Don’t believe everything you hear. Don’t perpetuate rumours.
We were given the gift of speech. I think it behooves us to use it to communicate WITH each other and not ABOUT each other. How else do we instruct our children? At the end of the day, mine look at me with respect and they’ve walked this gauntlet with me.
I am just an ordinary human being, this is not my circus and definitely not my monkey. Though I’m always happy to speak with a fellow tightrope walker.
23 August 2014
The group dynamic that keeps the slander of a Narcissist alive is explained well in this piece: Narcissistic Group Dynamics
It is CRITICAL to check facts and sources – including humans – before acting upon or repeating what they say.