I Do The Time For His Crime

Hello. My name is Karin and I am a survivor of Narcissist Abuse.

It is three and one half months since I implemented full “No Contact”.

I’ve alluded to it, danced around it, written poetry that skims the surface  of it. Today, I had to face more of the fallout that seems never ending at times. Today, I want to shout it. Is it my fault that this monster took over my life? Yes. If being empathetic, seeing the good in people and wanting to help someone makes it my fault. Rather like, missing the last bus home from a late college class and having to walk a dark path alone would make it a person’s fault for being mugged or worse.

My home was listed for sale late yesterday.

The home that I worked most of my adult life for. The one that would have been paid off by the end of this year. The home that still contains items that are mine, including some of my dearest memories. The sofa and loveseat in my favourite colours of lilac and sage. Our Christmas decorations, collected over the years. My carefully chosen crèche, with my son’s werewolf action toy because we are that kind of crazy family.

Would this sale not be happening if I’d been able to dodge the Narc’s bullet?

Retrospect says yes. Like many couples, we had trials and tribulations that frayed our bond badly. A very troubled child and the pressure cooker emotions that go with that. It is fair to say that I was ripe for the plucking by a man who was skilled in deception. It is more than fair to say that had that man not manipulated and lied to the almost unfathomable extent he did, I would not be in the middle of dissolving what has been my world for more than half my life. Am I a foolish girl who had a pretty picture dangled in front of her and just ran to the next shiny? Not even a little bit. Only the most arrogant and condescending of fools would entertain a thought like that. No. My life was carefully and methodically broken down and rebuilt by someone who borders on psychopath. Weasling in under false pretenses, mining for information and then carefully deconstructing the most intimate aspects of me. Right from the foods I like, my choices in friends to dictating how I should approach personal adornment and even my choices in hair removal. The lies are endless, almost surreal in their nature, substantiated with a few random facts scattered about, enough to maintain the charade until the bitter end. The mask came off, the women revealed, the manipulation of them, the hiding, the blocking, the stalking, the slander. Oh hell yes, the slander. I walked away from the insanity and consequently, must be punished by having my good name, both personal and professional, sullied by this monster.

Why am I writing this?

To get my mind off things, I decided to unpack a box of books. A year later, in the apartment that I thought I’d be sharing with the Monster, I thought I’d do that. The box contained many books I’ve cherished since I was a child but it also had the books that I so carefully selected as a young mother for my two beautiful children. The two most important people in the world to me, who no longer have the home base they grew up in. I’ve been weeping like a child myself for the last hour and I want this poison out.

If this white-hot rage could be laser targeted; that filthy, lying piece of shit would be dead.

That his life goes on, that he continues to play his games and is not only supported but lauded is the most horrific miscarriage of Justice that I can imagine. That people online know and do nothing is unconscionable. To date, women flock to him and only one has had the courage to contact me. It’s so much easier to believe the outlandish lies and complete fabrications of a male than to send a two-line inquiry to the target of his slander.

What was my crime?

I was at a low point in my life. Separated and vulnerable. I was offered what I believed was a chance for love and happiness that had long eluded me. Not a faerytale, a nice life that would include my kids, my family. They know this person. I fell in love with the Grand Illusion. Nothing about this man is what he seems. Nothing. All Photoshop, fake profiles, stolen words and stolen dreams. I would have needed joint custody granted for the ring he proposed to put on my finger.

What is my point?

My life has been utterly decimated by a Narcissist Abuser. I did not know that the term Narcissist meant more than just an egotistical or self-absorbed person or that Narcs are pathological liars. I am a smart and well-educated woman. I don’t believe in faerytales that don’t include unicorns and I grew up with the Internet. I did not invite this Predator into my life, the monster found , groomed and manipulated my life the better to take advantage. Narcs are dangerous and all the more so because of the supply the get from Empaths and the support by default they get from Apaths. I own my part in this. I have a good heart that didn’t see evil. So tell me, where is his accountability in this? Why is he allowed to continue destroying lives?

The next target has already been acquired.

~ kei

~~~~~

If you made it this far, bless you for reading this highly uncharacteristic post. I am intensely private and protective of my personal life in the normal course of things. The gaping wound was reopened this morning and I had to speak, despite previous threats. If one good thing can come of this, I hope it’s that the links I post for both informational purposes and to provide concrete help are being read and shared. Too little is known about the pathological aspects of Narcissism and too few people look beyond the mask of the abusers to see the nightmares they create.

If you suspect you’re involved with a Narc, please do yourself the favour of reading Kim Saeed’s blog “Let Me Reach and also reading a very well known expert on this subject, Sam Vaknin PhD, at his website and found on Facebook.

Knowledge is power.

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27 thoughts on “I Do The Time For His Crime

  1. Fantastically brave and honest, K: I shuddered as I read it, and wanted to weep for you, for all Narc victims. I agree with you: far too little is known – and this enables the Narcs to continue to insist that it is all OUR fault, that WE have the problem. It is so insidious. I only came across the term a year ago, and that by chance – and came across gaslighting even more recently.
    Thank you for your courage in this post specifically – but also in your life generally. Love and hugs, Ali xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Ali, so much. I agonized over publishing this. What it is, I simply hit the wall. My children suffer, my former Husband suffers (the Narcissist interference made reconcilliation impossible). Meanwhile, “He” waltzes about as though nothing’s wrong. His skill with gaslighting is extraordinary but then, this performance is his full time business. I would love to see Justice served but I’ll take helping someone else to avoid this or to extricate more quickly than I did. Love and Hugs right back to you, ~ kei xo

      Liked by 4 people

      • I am so sorry to hear that you have hit the wall, Kei, though not entirely surprised: bite back can only go on for so long before implosion takes over and the inner weeping becomes an outer wildness and rocking sobbing.
        I suspect justice WILL be served one way or another: what you put into the universe is very often what, in the end, you get back from it.
        One of the things I have both read, and noticed, about Narcs is the lack of soul: they reject even the slightest notion of a spiritual side. This causes darkness in the end, a darkness which can consume from within.
        Many hugs; I know where you are coming from on this subject.
        xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a very hard post to “like” Karin. For what it is worth I really am very sorry for what has happened to you. Hopefully you will rise from this far stronger than you went in, but I also hope that you don’t become too cynical because of it. There still are good, honest, trustworthy people in this world even though this individual is not included.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your support and kind words Dom. I was very unsure about publishing this. This morning, I just knew that I couldn’t stand down from the lies and deceits that still unfortunately impact on my life. The blessing in being in this community is that, I know there are people who may need the help from the contacts I listed and I’m praying that the information will find the right eyes.
      I have been blessed to find support from some very special people and as one of them put so well, “my heart is not hardened”.
      K~xx

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      • Thank you for sharing. Others have expressed most of my thoughts; inclusive of their appreciation for your efforts, honesty and I guess your “purpose”. Knowledge is indeed power and sometimes it takes personal stories/laymans terms for us to truly relate. We all receive messages in our own good time and way. I’m sure you have touched many by sharing yours. Blessed may you and your children be. Thankful that you still have love and empathy to share. 💟

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      • Thank you for reading. It was interesting for me to go back and read what I’d written; so much has happened since then. No Contact (Stover) saved my life and my sanity, though it was incredibly hard. My family has found a new way to be and though not ideal, it is as Stitch says “not broken”. Peter did die and I had much angst about that. I decided that it is okay for me to feel conflicted as he was truly two different people. When he pretended to be normal, he was wonderful. When he went on the devalue attack, he was utterly insane. As a normal person, it’s fine that I have two very different thought processes about him.
        I still read Kim’s work, though I stay away from any other forums, especially Facebook. Too many trolls and people in the early stages of recovery were triggering me. PTSD and severe Agoraphobia still linger but I’m a thousand times better for knowing this wasn’t my fault.
        That more than anything is what I hope people take away from reading my story. Narcissists target and groom, they manipulate their target and their Apaths, social media is Disney World for them. Normal people do not have 25 psycho “Exs” and they do not need to enlist help to “hide” from psychos – that’s what restraining orders are for.
        Normal people stay because they think they can help or fix the Narc’s issues but – Narcs are not normal, they do not feel, there isn’t and won’t be “The One” for a Narc, only the next in a long line.
        My goodness! This became a bit of an essay 🙂 but there is so much to learn, to know and to teach our children like any other form of abuse, I’m guilty of wanting to get the word out.
        I hope you’ve been able to find healing and the right words to help you cope. Understanding is hard but it comes.
        Wishing you much love and light K~xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for sharing. Im truly sorry for your many losses. We live and hopefully, we learn. Sharing is caring and that’s what we do; as it’s who we are in truth. You can lead a human to knowledge, but you cant make them think. That happens when they are ready to receive, but the penny drops eventually and they know where to come back to for help when somewhat ready. Grateful we still have that; we aren’t empty by a long shot in truth!
        Grateful for wordpress and a few fb sites, but i choose emails if they give me the option. I know what you mean about triggers etc. I’m learning to be a detached observer. I rarely comment on fb. We all have different stages of growth to get through on our journey, some have really been worked over and others, be it from religion or pure lifelong abuse still struggle with truth outside their square. Some are also part narc themselves now; a survival tactic of sorts. I try to breathe deeply and tell myself we all can only do better, as we truly know better; or when we are willing to challenge our beliefs. If its not working for me i am open to change. Perhaps that’s been to my detriment at times (clearly lol) but it has helped me to retain my empathy; if not as innocently as it once was, its something i need to retain in order to be kind and have compassion for myself. My family who dont truly understand And my children as they struggle to cope with all they know and have seen.
        Blessed be 💞

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      • Im on my mobile in bed at 4am goodness me! , so not very comfortable to type and i need to sleep. Must be up soon. I replied to you (almost an essay myself) and it said it posted twice. Turns out not at all.
        Just wanted to say. You do make a difference.😊Your empathy that got you into this, is what will save you. You need it to show kindness and compassion to yourself; even when you falter. To err is human. You need it for your children and those that do love you and yet dont really understand your journey or choices at times. You need it to be a detached observer in order to help others. Embrace your loving, empathic soul and redirect your energy to wherever you choose it to be. It will help you to thrive in the long run and trust yourself completely; and, in turn, others that are worthy in time. 💕

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  3. So brave of you Karin!
    You show so much strength and courage by writing this post and I am very grateful that you did. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I know writing about personal stuff, especially when it’s something like abuse, is so very hard to do. But you take back a little bit of freedom for yourself this way. And you make a difference in the lives of people who are still battling this every day.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Stay strong.
    Lots of love and hugz ❤

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    • Thank you so much Patty. These thoughts desperately needed out and I’ve found some strength and a little bravery in seeing others, like you who share parts of their experience. I know intellectually that no justice will come; it’s the way Narcissists are made. I do need to take back my freedom, my rights even to tell my story and ultimately, help others too.
      Sending much love and hugs to you too K~xo

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    • Thank you Greg, so much. I didn’t feel very brave but I did want for some of my side to be heard. I hope to do some good by coming out with the story. Take good care. K~xx

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  4. My dear friend, you have said it all so bravely and with such courage. You shall shine like diamonds and he remains nothing but a lonely dark piece of coal that his endless supply of foolish victims will never polish. Live your life. Walk tall and keep smiling. You have made it through the storm.

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    • Sending you much love and hugs Pam. Without the understanding and insights of people who really know this situation, I’m not sure I would have got to this place intact. K~xx

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  5. I’m pressing the like button ou if respect for your strength and for the awareness level that you bring to other that could and I’m sure have faced this type of predator. My heart breaks that life has given you these things but as someone once said, things happen for a reason whether we understand the reason at the time or not a lesson, a path and experience has been opened because you experienced these things.
    I hope in the future life gives you a gift.
    Sincerely
    Benjamin

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    • Thank you Ben. This has been life altering and I’m still trying to discern what the lesson is. I do know that I hope others who suffer will follow my suggestions to people who can help. I’ve been blessed to find support in unexpected places and with that help, I hope my path will become more clear. Sending much love and hugs K~xx

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  6. Kei, this is such a poignant and touching post. I can relate to your story in many ways. I also collected small mementos as my children were growing up. For example, I had a collection of ceramic Christmas ornaments I’d had made of my children when they were infants and young children, as well as a small pipe-cleaner Santa my grandmother had given me when I was young. I’d managed to hang onto it for most of my life. She is gone now, so the Santa held a special meaning.

    When I left my Narc, I discovered that those precious ornaments had all disappeared. I was sick about it for weeks.

    My lessons were learned recently, but I am happy even if they were learned late. I’m growing spiritually and am looking forward to the future. I’ve gotten into essential oils, use guided meditations, and I also recently had my reading done that left me energized and hopeful.

    Have you ever heard of harp healing? There is a lady here who does it and it’s wonderful. When I am in the position to do so, I will have it done regularly. It’s where the practitioner places a harp on your body and plays it to line up your energy channels (chakras) and clear them out. I cannot articulate how beneficial it is…

    Wishing you all the best. Please feel free to reach out any time…

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    • The spite that the Narc in my life has shown overwhelms me at times. I wish that I wasn’t feeling so bitter but it’s hard to have had this lesson rammed down my throat for no more reason than I believed him. The healing comes too though. The “buddy system” has been a lifesaver and understanding and support from unexpected places has given me much hope for the future.
      I’ve not heard of harp healing but it sounds very therapeutic. I’ll do a little research here to see if there are any local practitioners.
      Thank you for all you do too. Simply having the knowledge about Narcissistic Abuse and Narcissist Predators has been empowering and I truly hope that you and the very important work you do, get all the support that you need.
      Sending much love and appreciation for the difference you made to me, smiles. K~xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I have so many thoughts darting around in my head in response to your poignant words. Thank you for “reaching out to me tonight via this post”. I know that’s not entirely accurate seeing as we don’t know each other, but you wrote it so Empaths could read it (and others as well). I’m an Empath. It’s been almost 10 days since my final email to my narc. It’s been about three weeks since we spoke last when I called it quits. Yes, there were a few more flirts, dances or whatever you what to call the addiction I’ve had in trying to seek his “good side”. But reality to was too big to ignore any longer. He’s a narc. I find myself in a twisted world right now…being just on the other side of his daily manipulation. I have, by sheer determination, been able to wedge moments of stillness in between constant thoughts of him. Stillness does not equate to peacefulness — yet. The constant thoughts are a myriad of non-linear feelings roiling between disgust that a person can design a situation simply to use them, utter fatigue from the 4.5 years of confusion, profound sadness that he wasn’t who I thought he was, anger that he’s still doing it to others and yes, depression from all of the above and that which I haven’t chosen to deal with yet. But because of you and other Empaths, i.e., real human beings (!) I am here, I am learning, I am breathing although it’s not deep and rhythmic — I am simply holding my head above water. Kudos to you. You are strong. You are a worth while human being who IS touching lives through your goodness and also in your darkest moments. Hang in there…if not for you…for me! LOL

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    • Dear Tracey,
      First of all I want to hug you, though we’ve never met. You’re showing courage already by finding the strength to break away from this person. The hardest part for me in this critical time, was that I still thought I was dealing with a “normal” though messed up human. I didn’t know about Narcissists Predators or Abuse. If I could say any one thing that helped the most (and in weak moments, still does) it’s knowing that my Narc simply does not feel or care. Any of us who end a relationship, must endure all the anger, angst and the physical problems that go along with. It’s normal to feel this but it’s critical to remember, a Narc does not care, they are not normal. Hold on to that as best you can. The “Buddy System” is also a very good way to get through this early stage and I can’t recommend highly enough, reading the information and self help articles that Kim provides at Let Me Reach.
      Thank you so much for visiting and sharing your story. Feel free to message at any time as you go along, I’m just learning how to take this experience and accept it as part of me without letting it be damage. Having other men and women walk this path with me will help the healing, I’m sure.
      Sending much love and light to you today, smiles. K~xx

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  8. My husband was once married to a woman like your ex. She was and is toxic. Your words ring true even with people like me who have not experienced that kind of pain. You’ll get better and stronger the longer you are away from the toxicity. He did and is so much happier now. We both wish you well.

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