I’m a Stalker, You’re a Stalker, They’re a Stalker Too

This post needed a little levity, the better to make the point so, sing the title along to the tune, which actually did occur to me as I was trying to think of a catchy yet related post title.

Note the people following the attractive Song and Dance Man (David McNaughton – American Werewolf In London). That was a happy accident. Not only because I’d never seen these commercials before, only heard the jingle but also because Narcissists often present as charming, charismatic and good-looking. They can work a crowd!

Narcissists thrive on secrecy and smearing. These are the tools they use to create, manipulate and maintain their environment and deceptions. If you are being asked to keep secrets, watch someone’s back or to avoid a complete stranger by a new friend or acquaintance in your real or online life; this should raise huge red flags. Secrecy (blocking on social media is just one tool) and cloak and dagger games, heighten the urgency and create a feeling of inclusion in a “magic circle” for the people surrounding the Narcissist. They are more likely to unwittingly play into his (sometimes) illegal activities. In RL, it’s hard to imagine people leaving common sense behind. Would you actually “look out for” a complete stranger? Would you peek into the windows of other people simply because someone asked you to? Highly unlikely. In real life, there would be restraining orders, there would be proof required, However, on the internet and especially when we are in communities of like-minded people, many folks do just that without pausing to say to themselves “What gives?”

In other words: Where have all my colleagues (friends, family) gone? To the tune of “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

Ask good questions. Benefit of doubt should always be given. Research should always be done. Finding yourself in a position that is akin to accessory to a crime is not where you want to be. A good one to ask yourself is “Why am I hearing all these dreadful stories about someone I don’t know from a cat-herder?” and “Why is a total stranger confiding and conveying this information to me?” Individuals with NPD thrive on secrecy, they maintain it by covering the tracks of their behaviour. They do it by smearing the reputation of people from their previous version of themselves, isolating former friends, lovers, spouses, simply by painting them in an unfavourable light. “Oh, don’t talk to them, they’re crazy. He’s been stalking me all over the internet. She’s parked at the end of my street every night.” If something sounds fishy, juvenile or overly dramatic, be alert. In RL, normal adults should neither enable nor participate in this behaviour.  Ask your new friend to supply evidence.. If it isn’t forthcoming, be brave, be bold – go to the suspected threat. They won’t be hard to find, they have a starring role in the Narcissist’s tales and you may be surprised what a simple Google search may yield.

  There are always two sides to a story.

~ kei
17 March 2014

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NPD is a very real personality disorder. It isn’t “just” vanity, big ego or benign delusions that can be fixed by a partner or spouse. It is highly destructive and cannot be changed, regardless of anything you do. I was not aware of the difference, in fact, had no idea that NPD existed. Discovering this, putting a name to it, having a frame of reference for the actions and most importantly, knowing that NPD has a predatory aspect, has turned on a light in my life.
This blog has a wealth of information and resources: Let Me Reach on WordPress
Please visit, read and educate yourself, particularly if you are a woman who is wondering every day “Is it me? What am I doing wrong? How can I change to be better for him?” Read and discuss for our daughters’ sake. This information isn’t widely known and it must be shared.
These people are out there. They walk and talk just like us, on the surface and they may present in a very pretty package but they are not what they seem. Learn the signs and markers.

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17 thoughts on “I’m a Stalker, You’re a Stalker, They’re a Stalker Too

      • Gosh, I’m sorry. What a nightmare. It is therapeutic to know that others may read, relate, apply and survive!!! So good job on the effort. My husband has some of the characteristics- although there’s been a lot of improvement throughout our marriage- but so far I can’t put him in that category – thank God!!! But I’m on the edge of my seat a little with these posts- so they are effective!

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      • I can’t tell you how much it has means to to know that. NPD and Narcissistic Abuse are hard to detect without knowing the signs. Impossible in some cases. The pathology includes the ability to act like other humans, not unlike the notorious Ted Bundy. Although not all narcs are killers and vice versa. Narcissist Abuse is complex and insidious. It thrives because a narc can draw enablers so easily to aid and abet. It also thrives because victims are left in a state that is not unlike the aftermath of rape or Stockholm syndrome. Without general knowledge, it can be hard to get understanding and empathy, let alone the help that is essential to understand, recover and heal. Narcissism presents in both genders.
        I’m crossing my fingers that anyone who may suspect they are being victimized or know someone who is, will click through the links to where the actual experts are and I’ll be compiling all the recsources to one tab here. The message button too, is right up top for anyone who may want to speak more privately. I’m not an expert but I was a target and I’m compelled to do anything I can to try and make sure no one else is.
        Thank you so much for listening ~xx kei

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      • Wow, your response here was filled with even more passion than your other posts- I’d sooooooo format this into a post- makes it more intimate than informational. Just a thought. It sounds horrible. I’ve survived a good amount of trauma and abuse- but when dealing with an entire personality makeup- which tends to be VERY stable… Creepy, not a matter of therapy and change… More of a matter of survival and escape. Glad he didn’t take your voice. And I wish you healing where your are hurting.

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      • Thank you – and I am sending you a huge virtual hug, smiles. I suppose that in a way I’m “outed” by virtue of posting that. It is a small way to take back myself and to not contribute by way of my own fear, shame and utter disbelief at times about what happened to me to being victimized. I am internet savvy, I’ve worked in high tech and recently did my Law Clerk hours with a firm specializing in Internet and Patent law. I’m no dummy about that. There are very few who know the full scope of pathology of Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse. It is not well known at all or I would have been teaching it to my daughter and discussing with friends. Narcs cannot be fixed – this is key. Targets need to know where to seek help and support and not enough people are aware of the traumatic nature to be empathetic. I want to be that source for anyone who may need it. I’m trying not to muddy my message too much with the personal, it’s very recent that I’ve made the final break. If I get the information out there, hopefully people will open their eyes and I’m always open to “good questions”.

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      • You know, not trying to pressure in any way- totally just my take- when you posted the first messages, I don’t remember any personal link- so the information was just that, information. Your personal testimony has not muddied- it’s actually breathed relatable life into your message. Even making me more interested in learning more. I respect the courage it takes to feel so exposed. I withhold a LOT. So, by all means, delete these messages if you have strong concerns. Go with your gut.

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      • The more that gets out – and I hope that it’s in a positive way – the better I feel in some ways. I know to expect skepticism and flat out denials from some. Victim-blaming is still rampant in any type of abuse. My comments stand, I have the courage of my convictions and the advantage of the truth.
        Your support means the world to me and I hope that people will try to learn more. This can happen to anyone.

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  1. Thankfully the internet has gone a long way to uncover the game of Narcissists and Psychopaths. Unfortunately, these kinds of people are often in positions of power in corporations and government. Charismatic yes indeed. But their traits have now been
    well documented scientifically and their games can be spotted by knowledgeable people.

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    • My experience was different. The internet gives many more tools to the various ‘paths, of which Narcissitic Abuse is one. Alternate personalities, accounts, etc. I like to think I’m knowledgeable and well educated but NPD was not on my radar and to this day, I see my narc doing all the same things to an ever changing crowd of willing dupes – textbook, as I now know. Law Enforcement is putting this on the front burner for the serious issue that it is and the general public would do well to be better informed. Like rape, victim-blaming is a huge part of why Narcissitic Abuse continues to flourish. Thank you for taking the time to read, much appreciated.

      Liked by 2 people

      • To quickly add, for anyone who has made it this far, thank you and – ask good questions – if you’re seeing something that looks “off”, question it. I welcome them. I am just barely out from underneath the Narcissist abuse in my life – the evidence of it is scattered throughout my life, including my online presence. If I can help in some small way by directing someone to more expert resources, I will. Knowlege is key and so is empathy.

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  2. I think one does need proof from the other person that they are real, but going too far with the “googling” of a person is what I consider a form of stalking.

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    • I’m not sure that I understand your comment, perhaps you could expand?

      I lived through a “relationship” with a Narcissist and there was no “googling” required to prove that he was a liar and a fraud, although for certain aspects of those lies, yes, they are easily found on the internet.
      Narcissist Abuse and Narcissist Predators are more wont to use the internet as a tool to expand their playground and their ability to deceive – so much so that “Claire’s Law” – http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/mar/08/clares-law-partners-abusive-past – has been iplemented in the UK. Further, Law Enforcement, PI’s and Pyschologists who see the exteme effect of the abuse highly recommend doing just such searching, including background checks – yes, the Predators can be that dangersous and that knowledgable about disguising their activities.

      Narcissist Predators aren’t just fibbing about what they were doing last Friday night and clearly, there is still a VERY long way to go to help the casual observer understand the severity and damage of this form of pathology and it’s terrible impact on Survivors.

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  3. I too had a relationship with a narcissist. Perhaps I spoke to soon about researching someone through the use of the internet. Everyone needs to protect themselves.

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    • There are varying degrees of Narcissist and it’s fair to say that not all go to the same (often outside the law / illegal) extremes as others. Based on the Narc in my world, I am a very strong advocate for background checks and for educating our kids about this particular dating danger. They are very hard to spot initially.
      I hope you’re free of yours – normal has never felt so good!

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