No Really, It’s You

“Baby, you’re the only one who understands me.” “Baby, I feel safe with you.” “Baby, I’ve never loved another woman like I love you.” “Baby, I could never replace you so quickly, I don’t work that way.”

Two of the most educational and empowering posts that I read on Let Me Reach are: Several Shades Of Smeared and How You Became The Other Woman. They both enlightened me to a recognizable behavioural pattern and have given me a little insight onto the patterns of others in the relationship dynamic with the Narcissist. Two things kept on – and and on bad nights still do – droning like bees in my brain: How can a Narcissist so easily discard someone that they claim they can’t function without. More importantly, why is there a seemingly endless line of women eager to step into your not even vacated place? My theory is it’s because they play the intrinsic strengths and weaknesses of women against one another.

Several Shades of Smeared had me revisiting a question that I was constantly asking myself. Why, when my Narc is clearly here, happy and attached to me are there women constantly throwing themselves at his feet? It seemed odd to me that these women would completely ignore my existence or treat me with disdain, while flaunting and flirting right in front of me. I’ve always had a theory that there really is no “Sisterhood”. Certainly, it flies out the window the moment that there are stay-at-home Mums and working Mums in a room together. What I didn’t know, is that a Narc will deliberately demean you to others behind your back, even while telling you that you’re his world. They will fabricate a story that paints you as an adversary and a lunatic to these women. It serves to isolate you and plays to the nurturer that many of us are. It also makes the flirting and flaunting that the Narc is doing, look somewhat more legitimate in the eyes of the ever-changing circle of people that surrounds them. Their new admirers are now special, part of the magic circle, confidantes. The cycle begins again, the new conquest is lined up.

How You Became The Other Woman, dovetailed to the above perfectly. And really? Who wouldn’t want to be the chosen of someone who on the surface, is good-looking, multi-talented and successful? Especially if you’re helping him escape or get over the “Crazy Bitch” that he is currently with. After all, he’s told you that she’s jealous, controlling, doesn’t love him.

There is always a female waiting and wanting to be “The One” for this beautiful, misunderstood creature. We’re helpers. We’re nurturers. Confidences about the crazy girlfriend or wife, turn into watching her for him, protecting him. Bonds and intimicies begin to form. You see how that works for the Narc?
Meanwhile, the partner’s at home, turning herself and her world inside out to be everything that she’s expected to be by him. Still wearing her hair how he likes it, still feathering their nest and wondering what the hell is happening.

In the internet world, Narcs have a huge new playground. They can be anything they want and it’s much more difficult to actually see the traits. All the more reason to be cautious and informed when a stranger confides in you. All the more reason to not make judgements about someone you’ve never spoken with. Surely, if you can give credence to the tales of woe of one stranger, you can at least ask the question of another?

Sit with that for a moment.

This isn’t High School Confidential. It’s not the better woman winning the prize. It’s enabling a predator by default, if one chooses to deliberately ignore or avoid the other side of a story.

~ kei

23 February 2014


Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NPD is a very real personality disorder. It isn’t “just” vanity, big ego or benign delusions that can be fixed by a partner or spouse. It is highly destructive and cannot be changed, regardless of anything you do. I was not aware of the difference, in fact, had no idea that NPD existed. Discovering this, putting a name to it, having a frame of reference for the actions and most importantly, knowing that NPD has a predatory aspect, has turned on a light in my life.
This blog has a wealth of information and resources: Let Me Reach on WordPress
Please visit, read and educate yourself, particularly if you are a woman who is wondering every day “Is it me? What am I doing wrong? How can I change to be better for him?” Read and discuss for our daughters’ sake. This information isn’t widely known and it must be shared.
These people are out there. They walk and talk just like us, on the surface and they may present in a very pretty package but they are not what they seem. Learn the signs and markers.

**Duly noted that there are both males and females with NPD – I’m relaying my thoughts, opinions and experience not someone else’**

8 thoughts on “No Really, It’s You

  1. Kei,

    Thank you a million times for linking to my site. It’s truly an honor that you think so highly of my writing.

    I must now turn it around and give you a standing ovation. This article is very powerful. You clearly understand the mind of a Narcissist. .If I were new to NPD and just came across this article, I would know almost everything I needed to know. You are talented and articulate…quite frankly, I’m in awe.

    Hugs (•‿•)



    • Kim, it’s me is honoured. Through you and the resources you provide, I’ve found words to describe what I went through. You and my best friend saved my sanity and probably my life.
      If I can have one wish, it’s to take this knowledge and have it reach the eyes and ears of someone who needs is as desperately as I did.
      It’s a miracle that I found you and I want to pay that forward.
      Thank you so much for your kind words and I’m sending much gratitude and hugs right back to you.

      ~xx, Kei


  2. I have a friend who is in a relationship with a narcissist, and it’s exactly like this. It’s so sad. Everyone sees him for what he is now, but she refuses to leave him 😦


    • Please send her the link to Kim’s website. I had so many suspicions but the scales fell off my eyes when I read these two articles and “6 Lies Narcs Tell”. I’d never felt so alone as when I didn’t know what the “wrongness” was. If it’s appropriate, you could let her know there is a “Message Me” button here. I feel compelled to share this not-widely known information. It has saved my sanity. My Narc has so many people fooled, it’s exactly as I wrote. My BFF was never taken in and I owe her for her intervention.


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