Begin Again

We’re here again on a gorgeous sunny day in the early afternoon. A stolen moment at our spot in the same park we used to go to when we were kids. No fear of getting caught. I smile inwardly at this thought, just a little. We’re like the Bonnie and Clyde of illicit sex. This time just here to talk though, I’ve told him these meetings have to stop. The ring on his finger now is far more important than the chain I gave him years ago, still winking around his neck.

I am utterly baffled as to why our email exchanges have been heating up again, why he’s back to wanting to see me after our last time went so wrong. I know I  have to tell him what I really feel. So when he says “I’ve missed you, can we go back to before? Friends with benefits? Those are some pretty nice benefits” , his gaze touching the length of thigh that shows beneath my skirt. He’s smiling, so not smooth… he never was; I take a deep breath and summon what resolve I can in the face of the desire that is already melting me from the inside out.

Thinking to myself, “Whoa back there Heathcliff, what about that harem of yours… ?”, I take a deep breath and say “I don’t want to mean nothing to you”. The moment spins out. He’s looking at me, I can see the joking is done and says “What if I told you that you mean everything to me”? I don’t think he can see that my heart skipped a beat or that I can’t breathe for a second. I know he isn’t aware of the shot of liquid lightening that just set my body on fire but… I’ve let my heart lead with him one too many times and even though I’m dying to throw myself into his arms, I say softly and with an ironic smile in my voice, “I’d probably think that you just want sex and that I’m handy”.

As soon as the words are out, I feel a flutter of panic in my chest. I’ve always been afraid to speak my mind with him, afraid I’ll scare him, anger him, hurt him. Mostly I’m afraid that he won’t understand and will just shut down, shut me out or worst, disappear from my life entirely. And he does snort in disgust, shakes his head and puts both hands on the steering wheel as he asks, “Why would you think that”? He sounds genuinely baffled.

I’m reminded again of what I know and that my instinct always tells me, he’s just ADD, he’s impulsive, he’s headstrong and stubborn, just like he was then. My guts believe that he never intends to hurt but intentional or not, he’s broken my heart for the second time and I just can’t keep making excuses for his charmer’s smile and avoidance style. He’s a big boy now.

Besides that, I’m not a little girl anymore. So, I balls up and say, “A couple months ago, you nearly killed me. You said the last year hadn’t meant anything, that even our past wasn’t as important to you as it is to me. You had the nerve to say that you thought this was just for fun, when you knew damn well where my head is at. What’s different now?”

He sits back hard, puts his head in his hands. “I… can’t do this without you… I don’t love her, never did and… I can’t breathe without you”.

There’s a brief silence and the heat is getting heavy. I’m weighing his words against my want. The heat in the air, the scent of him, my hunger… Desire wins. It always does when I’m with him and so, I raise my eyes saying “I want to kiss you” at the same time that he reaches a hand out to stroke his knuckles against my cheek saying “So… where do we go now”?

That answer is easy as I pull him into my arms.

~ kei
Long ago

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