The Morning After…

My mind is far away today
Perhaps a good thing
The turmoil in my own life demands its due at times
Once it’s had me in its teeth and given a good shake
I want to hole up emotionally
Hide from the world for a while

My mind is a thousand miles from here
Perhaps a good thing
Waking on a stranger’s couch, a little disoriented
Connectedness that is an undeniable force
Pulling out of the despair I feel
For there is a world in this one

Rebirth, renewal, regeneration
Hope that refuses to die
Shedding skin, shedding tears, shedding old selves
Faith in a an ephemeral dream

You are this, You are these

My Knight of the Couch Surf
Awake and come forth
Do not kneel
Only kiss back to life
Your Lady of the Koi Tattoo

~ Hope springs eternal, the stone is rolled back, soul’s light cannot be extinguished ~

~ kei
20 April 2014

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Making Progress – Can You Help?

Making Progress – Can You Help?

KarinKateriKei:

Kim Saeed is the heart behind “Let Me Reach”. Please consider making a donation to help her with the wonderful work that she does to help the victims of Narcissist Abuse to find their path of recovery.
On a personal note, Kim’s site has been invaluable to me. I discovered her site just at the time I was trying to extricate myself from the Narcissist relationship in my life. Kim’s guidance and nurturing support may well have saved my sanity and perhaps even my life.
Her approach is balanced, giving solid, useful information on emotional, physcial and spiritual healing.
Thanks for taking a moment to read and help her continue to reach.
~ kei

Originally posted on Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed:

Please Donate

Yesterday, I asked for your help.  As of this morning, three generous donors have helped me get to 15% of my goal of $350.00.

While the future looks bright, this month has been a challenge financially.  Primarily because the company I work for part-time, Educational Testing Service, didn’t have the registrants they expected, so they cancelled a few of their rater’s shifts, including mine.  I enjoy working for them because it helps me focus on my true purpose, which is helping victims and survivors of Narcissistic abuse.  At the same time, there’s the possibility of losing work.

I’ve initiated a donation drive in order to help keep the Let Me Reach office up and running during the remainder of April.  With your support, you will help Let Me Reach be able to continue helping victims of Narcissistic abuse.

What’s the drive all about?  I’m trying to raise 350.00 by the…

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I Do The Time For His Crime

Hello. My name is Karin and I am a survivor of Narcissist Abuse.

It is three and one half months since I implemented full “No Contact”.

I’ve alluded to it, danced around it, written poetry that skims the surface  of it. Today, I had to face more of the fallout that seems never ending at times. Today, I want to shout it. Is it my fault that this monster took over my life? Yes. If being empathetic, seeing the good in people and wanting to help someone makes it my fault. Rather like, missing the last bus home from a late college class and having to walk a dark path alone would make it a person’s fault for being mugged or worse.

My home was listed for sale late yesterday.

The home that I worked most of my adult life for. The one that would have been paid off by the end of this year. The home that still contains items that are mine, including some of my dearest memories. The sofa and loveseat in my favourite colours of lilac and sage. Our Christmas decorations, collected over the years. My carefully chosen crèche, with my son’s werewolf action toy because we are that kind of crazy family.

Would this sale not be happening if I’d been able to dodge the Narc’s bullet?

Retrospect says yes. Like many couples, we had trials and tribulations that frayed our bond badly. A very troubled child and the pressure cooker emotions that go with that. It is fair to say that I was ripe for the plucking by a man who was skilled in deception. It is more than fair to say that had that man not manipulated and lied to the almost unfathomable extent he did, I would not be in the middle of dissolving what has been my world for more than half my life. Am I a foolish girl who had a pretty picture dangled in front of her and just ran to the next shiny? Not even a little bit. Only the most arrogant and condescending of fools would entertain a thought like that. No. My life was carefully and methodically broken down and rebuilt by someone who borders on psychopath. Weasling in under false pretenses, mining for information and then carefully deconstructing the most intimate aspects of me. Right from the foods I like, my choices in friends to dictating how I should approach personal adornment and even my choices in hair removal. The lies are endless, almost surreal in their nature, substantiated with a few random facts scattered about, enough to maintain the charade until the bitter end. The mask came off, the women revealed, the manipulation of them, the hiding, the blocking, the stalking, the slander. Oh hell yes, the slander. I walked away from the insanity and consequently, must be punished by having my good name, both personal and professional, sullied by this monster.

Why am I writing this?

To get my mind off things, I decided to unpack a box of books. A year later, in the apartment that I thought I’d be sharing with the Monster, I thought I’d do that. The box contained many books I’ve cherished since I was a child but it also had the books that I so carefully selected as a young mother for my two beautiful children. The two most important people in the world to me, who no longer have the home base they grew up in. I’ve been weeping like a child myself for the last hour and I want this poison out.

If this white-hot rage could be laser targeted; that filthy, lying piece of shit would be dead.

That his life goes on, that he continues to play his games and is not only supported but lauded is the most horrific miscarriage of Justice that I can imagine. That people online know and do nothing is unconscionable. To date, women flock to him and only one has had the courage to contact me. It’s so much easier to believe the outlandish lies and complete fabrications of a male than to send a two-line inquiry to the target of his slander.

What was my crime?

I was at a low point in my life. Separated and vulnerable. I was offered what I believed was a chance for love and happiness that had long eluded me. Not a faerytale, a nice life that would include my kids, my family. They know this person. I fell in love with the Grand Illusion. Nothing about this man is what he seems. Nothing. All Photoshop, fake profiles, stolen words and stolen dreams. I would have needed joint custody granted for the ring he proposed to put on my finger.

What is my point?

My life has been utterly decimated by a Narcissist Abuser. I did not know that the term Narcissist meant more than just an egotistical or self-absorbed person or that Narcs are pathological liars. I am a smart and well-educated woman. I don’t believe in faerytales that don’t include unicorns and I grew up with the Internet. I did not invite this Predator into my life, the monster found , groomed and manipulated my life the better to take advantage. Narcs are dangerous and all the more so because of the supply the get from Empaths and the support by default they get from Apaths. I own my part in this. I have a good heart that didn’t see evil. So tell me, where is his accountability in this? Why is he allowed to continue destroying lives?

The next target has already been acquired.

~ kei

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If you made it this far, bless you for reading this highly uncharacteristic post. I am intensely private and protective of my personal life in the normal course of things. The gaping wound was reopened this morning and I had to speak, despite previous threats. If one good thing can come of this, I hope it’s that the links I post for both informational purposes and to provide concrete help are being read and shared. Too little is known about the pathological aspects of Narcissism and too few people look beyond the mask of the abusers to see the nightmares they create.

If you suspect you’re involved with a Narc, please do yourself the favour of reading Kim Saeed’s blog “Let Me Reach and also reading a very well known expert on this subject, Sam Vaknin PhD, at his website and found on Facebook.

Knowledge is power.

Rhythm

Now that I have found you, now that those words have passed between us

It isn’t you that I fear but the recurring nightmare of what complete surrender meant before

The damage runs deep in this Empath’s heart and soul

And yet…

You sing to me in a timbre that I cannot resist. A resonance that vibrates in the hollow spaces he made

My lonely heart aches for that dance. Ever seeks the rhythm of a steady beat

You offer me the shelter of your arms, my body cannot resist that strong, safe haven

The turmoil in my head, all the terrible things he said

They are hushed by the soothing sound of your voice, whispers in my ear in the space between thunder

Upon your chest I rest…

You’ve made a home for me here in this space beneath your ribs, pulling me closer

I rest, sable and silver beneath my cheek, I hear my lonely heart’s sound

Beginning to synchronize, slowing to savour a harmony of beats, a rhythm of souls

The dance has begun and though the steps are all new to me

Your heart beat under my palm, is the music that I know best

~ kei

18 April 2014

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Seventeenth

NaPoWriMo, April is halfway through
I’m amazed that I could stay faithful to you

Me and my pen are still punks you see
My motto’s been “You’re not the boss of me!”

Thing is, I met a boy and he’s the King of the Palace
When it comes to the moves, he knows what right is

He’s my Cherry Poppin’ Daddy and I’m his Kitten
Exports rolled into his sleeve and this kitten is smitten

Gotta run now, done writing this day seventeen thing
Time for some lovin’ with my king of swing

~ kei
17 April 2014

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National Poetry Writing Month

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